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This article was originally published here, and it’s the companion article to this podcast episode if you prefer to listen instead of read.
So what if the arguments you’re having with your spouse aren’t really about what’s happening in that given moment?
But instead, they’re actually exposing the meaning we assign to what’s happening?
Because most of us know that when two people experience the exact same event they both walk away with completely different interpretations, which means the conflict is rarely about the event itself,
The conflict is actually rooted in our own perception of the situation - and that’s not just our perception of our spouse - but subconsciously the more influential dynamic at hand is our perception of ourselves,
And our relationship with our spouse exposes how we see ourselves from the very first moment we meet them - we just aren’t fully conscious of it,
And if our perception of ourselves is distorted (which it often is for most people), then even our good intentions can turn into frustration, defensiveness, and disconnection when we’re with them.
But here’s the thing… since you’re reading this, that’s proof that you’re invested in becoming the best version of yourself for your marriage,
And you’re in the right place, because here we address the root of what’s actually driving your behavior vs just the behavior itself - which is actually just a symptom, but it’s also a powerful indicator of your perception.
So that’s what we’re going to dig into today.
And even if you aren’t married, stay with me,
Because the principles we’ll discuss apply to anyone in a romantic relationship - regardless of the stage you’re in.
In fact, if you’re at the beginning of a new relationship it will set the stage for a level of closeness that isn’t achievable without this level of awareness - so buckle up! It’s about to get real…
Welcome to Powered by PURPOSE! - I’m Melody Lacey, and I help people clear the distorted perceptions that keep us from being able to see, and treat, ourselves, and others - like our spouses, the way God asks us to.
Because we’ve all been there…
Most of us have struggled, to some degree, with a tension that creates an emotionally reactive response with our spouse, and that disconnects us from how God has called us to love one another,
So here we take a God (and spouse) focused approach to self-discovery and personal growth - to unpack the real root cause behind the friction all married couples feel in our dynamic with each other at times,
And we’ll do this by examining how our beliefs shape our perception of reality,
Which, as you’ll see, requires some humility to examine truthfully, to find out what’s really driving our behavior.
And that’s the first step in renewing our thinking with God’s truth, so that we can start seeing things more clearly,
Because when you understand yourself more clearly, then you’ll be able to understand your spouse much better as well…
And then marriage becomes the loving union it’s intended to be, instead of a source of frustration.
Because the reality is - renewed minds - and marriages - require MORE than just good intentions,
And thankfully God has given us the template and tools to grow closer to modeling the bridegroom He is to us.
So let’s start unpacking this…
Marriage Doesn’t Create Conflict. It Exposes Our Insecurities.
Here’s the reality every married person already knows - our spouses experience every aspect of our personalities,
Because they are the ones who we can truly let our guard down with, and be completely vulnerable with, which we all know comes with both ups and downs.
And our personalities obviously exist before we meet our spouse, and so do our insecurities.
Absolutely no one gets married and then suddenly develops insecurities out of nowhere.
Some new ones might get discovered that you didn’t know were there, or exacerbated by a dynamic that wasn’t present before sharing your life with someone else,
But the fact is our insecurities exist long before we meet someone we want to date - regardless of the age we are when we meet them.
Marriage simply creates enough proximity for all aspects of ourselves to become visible - and in some cases - highlighted.
Our spouses experience our ‘best selves’ through our love, our intimacy, our support and patience, and the grace we extend to them as they grow in life alongside us as human beings experiencing new things along the way,
And some of those things are challenging… like our careers… whether or not we have children… finances are usually a big one… and then there’s the extended family and our in-laws…
All of these come with frustrations that need to be navigated together, as a team,
And many of them expose the other side of ourselves as well - like our fears, attachment issues, and our expectations…
This is where it gets really tricky -
Because our expectations of THEM are often a reflection of the expectations we have of OURSELVES, AND they are usually rooted in standards we inherited from our own parents, society, religion, etc… but we’ll touch on that in a bit…
So marriage becomes a mirror.
Not because our spouse causes these things,
But because the relationship reveals what’s already there.
And most marriage advice out there tends to focus on behavior and approach - you know, things like:
Effective communication,
Establishing roles and routines to support each other and the household,
And if you go deeper it’s learning about each other’s love language and learning how to meet their needs,
And all of those things absolutely matter…
But through all of that, our spouses are always experiencing us - as people.
And they experience the emotional environments we create with the energy we bring to every interaction,
And as I talked about in this podcast episode -
Our energy is affected by lots of variables - like - how we slept last night, if we’re hungry and cranky, how much stress we’re under at any given time, the skills we have to handle our stress, and let’s not forget our hormones…
ohhh the hormones…
The hormones that once brought us together with our spouse, are now fluctuating all the time and have a different kind of fire associated with them,
And both women AND men deal with those fluctuations as we age,
And while we have very little control over the fluctuations in any of those variables (especially the hormones),
Our perception is always present - like 100% of the time - and it’s dictating the relationship we have with our spouse, but more importantly - it dictates the relationship we have with ourselves,
And it stems from → the assumptions we unconsciously operate from,
Which influences → the way we respond to them and how we handle frustrating situations,
Which is rooted in… you guessed it → the way we view and treat ourselves.
We Project Our Relationship With Ourselves Onto Our Spouses
We’ve all blamed our spouses for making us angry, or insecure, or defensive, or maybe for feeling rejected,
But your spouse is actually just surfacing something that’s already there, and the interpretations are different for everyone,
Which is why two people can experience the exact same situation completely differently.
Your spouse isn’t dictating your interpretation of any situation, your perception is,
And they’re simply exposing it.
So if I’m constantly critical of myself… I will most likely be critical of my spouse.
If I struggle to extend grace to myself… I’ll likely struggle to extend grace to them.
If I never feel good enough… I may unknowingly communicate that they aren’t either.
Not because I’m trying to,
But because projection is an unconscious expression we have with others,
And the projection is rooted in our distorted perception of ourselves,
Which becomes the lens through which we interpret others.
Including our spouses.
So for example, if I secretly believe I’m ‘failing’ as a spouse, I may become unusually sensitive to feedback.
A simple comment about the dishes in that context isn’t just experienced as a comment about the dishes.
It’s experienced as confirmation that I’m not enough.
And then I’m reacting to my insecurity, not my spouse.
So the deeper truth we’re unpacking here is that:
We’re not arguing with our spouses,
We’re arguing with our interpretation of our spouse.
And underneath that lies the unresolved tensions inside of ourselves, which is creating a distortion of reality.
The Distorted Interpretation Isn’t The Problem
So if you haven’t already, this is the point where you might be freaking out, or trying to call BS on all of this - but hang with me and try to be open minded to this perspective,
because it’s what can break you free from the blame game and dare I say… playing the victim in your relationship - I know - I said it, and yes, we’ve all done it…
But if you’re hearing this and thinking:
“Great. Now everything is my fault...”
Take a breath, and calm down, because no…
That’s not what I’m saying.
This isn’t about whose fault anything is.
It’s about how you’re perceiving any given situation,
And how that’s driving your interpretation of it, and thus your response to it.
The point is awareness - self-awareness… which BTW is the ONLY thing you can control!
Which is actually great news, because that means you have way more control over your experience in your relationship that you might realize,
And you’re in good company, because everyone has to navigate their distorted perceptions… it’s just usually called ‘baggage’ and we all have it,
Everyone has insecurities and no one is perfect,
We’re all just (hopefully) doing our best and working with what we’ve got,
And the good news is there’s no real danger in having distortions,
The danger lies in refusing to acknowledge that they exist, and then refusing to examine them,
Because the distortions we defend become distortions that deepen division,
But distortions we examine, become opportunities for connection.
And that’s why you’re here investing in the health of your relationship by taking the time to learn what’s really going on,
And the fact that you’ve hung with me this long proves that you care about how you’re showing up for your spouse, which is awesome!
Where Our Distorted Interpretations Come From
OK - so before we can get into addressing our distorted perceptions (which remember is the only thing we really can do), we need to understand where they come from in the first place.
I mean, none of us wake up one morning and decide to interpret ourselves, or anyone else, inaccurately.
Our understanding of ourselves develops over time and is shaped by two primary factors:
The standards we use to evaluate ourselves - which is what drives our perceptions and our expectations… plus…
The actual priorities that are already driving our decisions and behavior, which often conflict with the standards we’re evaluating ourselves by - hence the tension…
So we’ll start with the standards we use to evaluate ourselves and everyone around us.
Like I said earlier, every single one of us inherits standards that become expectations. They come from:
Our family and upbringing,
The culture we’re living in,
Our religious beliefs and encounters with other Christians,
Social media of course,
Our real life social circles - and dare I say - even the celebrities we don’t even know personally!
And then some of us - like me - set our own - just to keep things interesting!
The challenge is that we rarely recognize our standards and expectations as interpretations.
We experience them as reality.
We assume our spouse should see the situation the way we do because the standard feels obvious to us.
But ‘obvious’ isn’t objective. It’s simply familiar.
And that’s why two loving people can look at the same situation and arrive at completely different conclusions.
And the thing is - some inherited standards are in fact healthy…
I mean, I’ll submit that God’s standards are the only ‘shoulds’ we should aspire to live up to,
But the nuance here is in HOW we interpret our standards and to what extent they dictate how we function.
Because that’s where it gets tricky,
When you combine the fact that some of our inherited standards aren’t actually healthy,
With the fact that many people never consciously examine them…
The result is we simply absorb them,
And then we spend our entire lives measuring ourselves against them, which often results in an ongoing conflict with the second factor, which is..
The real, and highly individualistic, priorities that are already driving our behavior.
THIS is the other part most people miss, because we weren’t given the tools to examine them properly.
You see - even if theoretically two people did inherit the exact same standards, they still won’t interpret themselves the same way.
Why?
Because no two people on the planet prioritize the same things, in the same order, to the same degree of magnitude.
Everyone is driven by different priorities.
And consequently we all have different motivations, different needs, and different sources of meaning,
And those priorities are the real indicator of what we truly value as individuals.
But there’s often a disconnect between what people THINK they prioritize and where they actually spend their time - which, spoiler alert - is the evidence of what you actually prioritize, vs what you intend to.
And that’s where friction festers in our life.
But while the thought of friction can create negative vibes, it’s actually incredibly helpful because it’s part of the evidence that helps us get to the root of what’s going on.
Because when we evaluate ourselves against inherited standards that don’t align with what God defined,
and we think we’re prioritizing one thing, but our calendar reflects something else.
You’ll spend your years feeling like you’re not measuring up,
When the real issue is simply a misinterpretation of ourselves,
Because we’re measuring ourselves against the wrong criteria,
And then we’re stuck in a never ending cycle of self-judgement,
Which doesn’t exactly set the stage for a healthy relationship with ourselves, or anyone else - and it’s just an unnecessary layer that we can absolutely rid ourselves of.
The Meaning We Assign Creates The Conflict
So let’s look at how this plays out in real life with our spouses, so you can really see where I’m going with this.
Now that we know that no two people have the same mix of priorities or inherited standards, and everyone interprets things differently because of that, this is how we see it in our marriage:
Scenario 1: Your spouse forgets something ‘important’ - and I’m using quotes here because the level of importance is also subjective and may not be equal between two people - but for this example we’ll assume the degree of importance was agreed upon and your spouse signed up for a specific task and then they forgot to do it.
One interpretation could be that they don’t care.
Another one could be that they’re just overwhelmed.
Another common one is: “I must not be important to them.”
And then there’s…: “They never listen or follow through.”
It was the same event - 4 different meanings.
And let’s be honest, I just stopped with four, you can insert your interpretation, and whatever yours is, it’s simply another type of emotional reaction,
And it’s likely a different argument than your spouse’s is,
Because the conflict isn’t actually the forgotten task - it’s in the interpretation attached to it.
Scenario 2: Your spouse wants time alone.
Some think: They don’t want to be around me.
Others don’t take it quite as personally and they think: They’re just overwhelmed and need space.
Still others wonder if they did something wrong.
And then some believe that they’re simply taking ownership for their own wellbeing.
Same event. Different meanings.
Scenario 3: Your spouse doesn’t respond enthusiastically to one of your ideas.
Some might think that they don’t support them.
Others might wonder if they just need more information.
Some feel like they’re being criticized.
And others are patient because they suspect they’re just processing the idea before responding.
Again… Same event. 4 different meanings.
Notice that none of those interpretations are actually facts - they’re conclusions made by each individual.
The Person You’re Really Arguing With
So this begs the question of who we’re actually arguing with when these situations blow up.
Sometimes we’re arguing with:
our insecurities
our expectations
our fears
our need for approval
our fear of rejection
our need to be right
Our spouse simply became the screen onto which those things were projected.
This doesn’t eliminate responsibility, it increases it,
Because now we can ask: “What inside me is being activated right now?”
Instead of: “How do I get them to change?”
Why Humility Matters More Than Being Right
Because here’s the thing - if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly focusing on your spouse’s behavior and you’re trying to get them to change, and you’re hoping they will start to see things your way,
That’s futile, and it’s really not the best use of your energy and it’s precisely why you get so frustrated and emotionally charged when conflicts arise.
Because changing other people isn’t possible - only God can do that, and even He requires us to be willing to allow Him to work within us,
He repeatedly shows us throughout Scripture that the only control we have is over ourselves, so if you find that you’ve been focused outward, it’s time to shift inward,
And that requires coming to the altar with some humility - and yes, that can be a hard pill to swallow,
BUT - it’s literally the only thing you can control, and it’s actually great news because leaning into understanding your perception,
and evolving it to align with God’s truth and your unique design is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself
and it will change your entire life experience with yourself and your spouse - and BTW - everyone else too.
It’s like the Pharisees. They were so vocal about being right and justifying their views about God - yet when the truth and the life stood right before them - they were blind to it and couldn’t see past the noses on their faces.
And while most of us would never compare ourselves to the Pharisees,
That’s exactly what many couples are doing when they are certain their interpretation is reality, and they approach each other with the goal of trying to prove:
who is right
who is wrong
who started it
who should apologize
But Jesus came with a relationship centric message for all of us - and He’s been communicating HIS priority on healthy relationships as He’s defined it from Genesis until now…
Because He knows that transformation never begins with rigid certainty,
It begins with people who are curious and humble enough to be teachable, and flexible enough to grow when necessary - and let’s be real - it’s always necessary…
When our pride says: “I already know.”
We need to take a step back and allow humility to ask: “What might I be missing?”
And healthy marriages require both people to remain teachable enough to ask that question.
What Love Actually Requires
Because if we don’t, we’ll never be able to live out the second greatest commandment to love our spouse as ourself,
Because while the world is telling us to love ourselves, there’s a gross misunderstanding of what love actually is…
When most people hear “self-love,” they think of things like self-care, self-esteem, self-acceptance, confidence, boundaries, or personal fulfillment.
And some of those things have value, but that’s not how Scripture defines love.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love is really hard. It asks us to be:
Patient. Kind. Not envious. Not boastful. Not proud. Not self-seeking. Not easily angered. Keep no record of wrongs. And rejoices with the truth.
That’s a much higher standard than simply feeling good about yourself.
And if I’m honest, it’s also a little uncomfortable.
Because when I evaluate my relationship with myself through that lens, I don’t always find love.
Sometimes I find impatience… and harsh criticism.
Sometimes I find pride.
Sometimes I find unrealistic expectations and a running record of every mistake I’ve ever made.
So if I struggle to love myself according to God’s definition of love, why would I assume I’m naturally loving others that way consistently?
And here’s something that’s rarely discussed:
Jesus didn’t tell us to love others more than ourselves (though He did tell us to put others before us - but that’s slightly different),
He told us to love others as ourselves.
Which means - you guessed it! - the relationship we have with ourselves matters.
Not because life is all about us,
But because we project our relationship with ourselves onto everyone else - including our spouses.
So if I keep a record of my own wrongs, I’ll tend to keep a record of theirs.
This is where self-love and self-obsession part ways.
Self-obsession is preoccupied with self.
Biblical self-love is concerned with relating to yourself truthfully.
One keeps you focused inward,
The other helps you remove the distortions that prevent you from loving God and your spouse well.
So the goal isn’t thinking about ourselves more…
It’s learning to see ourselves clearly enough that we can stop making everything about ourselves.
Because loving others well starts with understanding the relationship that’s always present:
The one you have with yourself.
Because the relationship we have with ourselves becomes the model we project into marriage.
Practical Self-Examination
So hopefully you can see by now that most marriage conflicts aren’t caused by the event itself.
They’re caused by the meaning we assign to the event.
And the goal of marriage isn’t finding someone who never triggers your distortions.
The goal is becoming humble enough to examine those distortions when they surface.
Because conflict often reveals the places where truth has an opportunity to transform us.
And transformation begins when we’re willing to reconsider our interpretation.
So here are some questions you can start asking yourself right now:
“What assumptions am I making about the situation and my spouse?”
“What story am I telling myself?”
“What expectation do I feel is being ‘violated?’”
“What internal fear is being activated in this situation?”
“What objective evidence do I actually have to support my position?”
“What might I be misinterpreting about their actions?”
Honestly - asking those questions will help your relationship right away - but if this topic drummed up some recurring patterns in how you interpret yourself or others,
And if you’re like most people and you’ve never been taught how to objectively identify patterns driven by your subconscious,
Then the Core Priorities Snapshot will help you uncover your unique priorities, assumptions, and interpretations, and that’s the first step in learning how they are already shaping your reactions so you can start seeing yourself more clearly.
It’s absolutely free to try, and it’s a great way to remove the log from your own eye and start renewing your mind as Scripture asks us to,
But the thing is -
renewed minds require more than just good intentions
They require the humility to examine yourself truthfully, and a willingness to let truth correct your perception,
And you can start that process today with the Core Priorities Snapshot, so you can really…
Live your life on purpose!
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Your piece teaches something so important to people navigating these challenges. Thank you for sharing.