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This article was originally published here.
Have you ever found yourself spending days planning & preparing for a big meeting or an event that you were leading,
Only to then walk away from it thinking…
“Ugh, what just happened? That’s not how I wanted that to go. That’s not what I prepared for.”
Or maybe you’ve obsessed for hours over a difficult email - and the words just won’t come out -
And you know a discussion would actually be better, but you’re trying to avoid the conflict that might arise from what’s sure to be a challenging conversation… so an email it is…
Or what about all of those late nights…
Where you’re sacrificing your personal time yet again, to make sure things go as planned,
Which means doing other people’s jobs because that actually feels easier than trusting them to follow through,
And it also feels like a reasonable antidote to not micromanaging them - which feels like progress because it’s another thing you’ve been working on…
Only to then find yourself frustrated with the very people you’re trying to help,
Because it seems like no one around you cares as much as you do,
So now you’re exhausted yet again…
Which might be the reason you’re not really open to feedback at the moment, because of course you take it personally!
You’re the one doing all of the work and no one seems to appreciate it!
If any of that sounds familiar…
And your leadership role feels more like high-stakes pressure that’s sucking the life out of you rather than the calm confident presence you’re trying to emulate from all of those Ted talks you’ve been watching,
You’re not alone. Seriously - you’re not.
And you’re about to learn something you probably haven’t heard in a Ted talk or leadership conference yet…
And that’s this:
You’re probably not dealing with the leadership problem you think you are - at least not in the traditional sense.
It’s actually much more likely that there’s something else going on that you haven’t been shown how to look at yet.
And since you’re reading this I already know that you care about becoming the best leader you can be,
And you’re probably a high performer who takes your role seriously,
And you want to have a positive impact on your team and the people around you,
Annnd - as a bonus it would be kind of nice if your experience as a leader could be a bit more fulfilling instead of constantly filled with conflict and frustration.
So good news! You’re in the right place for a fresh perspective.
Because here we address the root of what actually drives our behavior, so you can move beyond the late night google searches for more leadership tips -
And instead pinpoint where your unique hidden drivers are coming from, and why they keep revealing themselves at the worst times - even though you’ve been trying like crazy to avoid them.
Leadership brings out all sorts of things about ourselves that we then label as ‘leadership problems.’
We tend to think that our leadership struggles come from a lack of skills, so naturally we work on developing:
Better communication. More effective systems.
Clearer strategies. Stronger teams…
And while all of those absolutely have value, not enough of us have been taught how to take a step back and consider that,
The issue might not be in what we’re doing,
The root issue behind our leadership struggles might in fact be how we’re interpreting ourselves and everyone around us.
So if you’re human - it’s highly likely that you’re dealing with a perception distortion that’s unconsciously causing you to misinterpret situations, and the people involved in them - including yourself.
And that has all kinds of trickle down effects.
Because the truth is - people don’t just experience all of those leadership skills we’re working so hard on...
What they actually experience is the lens through which we attempt to execute those skills.
And if our perception of ourselves is distorted (which it often is for most people),
Then even our best leadership intentions can create unnecessary friction for the people we’re trying to serve.
We’re going to explore how our perception shapes how we lead our teams, our families, our ministries, and pretty much every area in life where we have influence.
Because when we understand ourselves more clearly, we gain the ability to understand others more clearly, and then we can lead them more effectively.
And that journey requires some humility for sure, but it’s worth it because you’ll finally develop more truthful self-awareness,
And that changes everything.
What is Truthful Self-Awareness
Now before we go any further, let’s clarify what I mean by truthful self-awareness.
Because I’m not talking about knowing your Myers-Briggs type.
I’m not talking about your DISC profile or your Birkman results.
And to be clear, I think those tools can be super helpful.
I’ve taken all of them (and a few others) myself.
But most personality assessments (and even skills assessments) are designed to describe how you tend to operate - they focus on behavior.
This work is different.
This work goes another layer deeper into understanding your perception, which is how you interpret yourself.
Knowing that you’re analytical, relational, strategic, extroverted, introverted, or a visionary doesn’t automatically explain why certain situations trigger frustration, insecurity, control, or self-doubt.
Those experiences have much more to do with your interpretation than your personality.
And that’s why two people with nearly identical personality profiles and skill sets will still lead completely differently…
Just spend a few hours with my identical twins and you’ll see that no two people are the same, even when their DNA matches.
So while one ESTP leader may feel confident, another may constantly feel inadequate, even if they’re both highly skilled in the same areas.
One may trust their team. While the other one may struggle to delegate.
One may experience leadership as an expression of their calling, while the other one is burnt out from the constant pressure.
They’re the same personality type, with similar skills and roles,
But they’re having completely different experiences.
Why?
Because personality describes behavior patterns…
And perception explains interpretation.
And it’s our interpretation of ourselves that ultimately drives our emotional experiences,
and like it or not, even if you think you’re not an especially emotional person,
Your emotions are influenced by your internal - and often subconscious - dialog,
Which is what drives most of your leadership decisions.
Which means the real question isn’t: “What type of leader am I?”
The deeper question is: “How am I interpreting what’s happening right now?”
And then we go another layer deeper and ask: “What inside of me is being triggered right now?”
Instead of: “How do I improve my approach to influence other people to change?”
Because you probably already know that leadership growth never begins with other people.
That’s why we’re going deeper than skills and personality types today.
And we’re examining the internal lens itself, because here’s the thing…
The very act of leading others gives us powerful clues about what’s happening inside of us that you might not be aware of.
How you ask?
Because leadership creates responsibility, and responsibility creates pressure,
And pressure has a funny way of exposing the places where we still need God to do His deepest work in us.
And this is where things get tricky.
Because while most leadership advice focuses on the behavior that’s presenting itself at the surface,
It’s your perception of yourself that’s dictating your behavior,
So if your perception of yourself is distorted - then even the best ideas on paper will still not land well - regardless of what that best selling book or expensive training conference promised you.
That’s because the standards and expectations we place on ourselves, become the expectations we have of others as well - so the internal distortions get projected outwardly without us realizing it.
And this projection onto others is one of the most common blind spots in leaders (and pretty much everyone on the planet).
We assume we’re responding to others, but we’re actually reacting to ourselves.
So if we’re relentlessly hard on ourselves internally, we’ll often be hard on others externally.
If we’re struggling with perfectionism, we’ll project our standards onto others as well.
And if deep down we feel inadequate, then we’ll unconsciously seek validation through our leadership.
The behaviors look different - but the root is the same.
We’re projecting our self-perception onto the people we’re leading.
Which means our distortions warp the lens through which we see and interpret them.
Our leadership becomes a powerful mirror in this way,
Which is incredibly useful in peeling back the layers to get to that truthful self-awareness we’re exploring here.
Where Typical Personality & Skills Assessments Fall Short
So for example, I’m an ISTJ.
And if you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs assessment, that’s going to stir up all kinds of assumptions you now have about how I tend to process information and approach the world.
And some of it will be pretty accurate. But here’s the thing - the details matter.
In my case, I’m only about 51% Introverted... But I’m 99% Judging.
Which explains a lot about how I approach things. 😂
And understanding that has value.
Similarly, one of the things I appreciated about the Birkman Assessment was its distinction between typical behavior and stress behavior.
At the time I took it, that insight was incredibly helpful because it validated that I wasn’t actually broken, I was simply functioning almost entirely from stress behavior.
But while those assessments were helpful in describing aspects of what I was experiencing.
Neither could explain the disconnect between my experiences and my intentions,
And by the way - neither could my therapist -
Because neither of them considered the perception layer we’re talking about here.
So I definitely didn’t need another behavior assessment, what I needed was an explanation.
And what I eventually discovered was that the real issue wasn’t my personality or my skills.
It wasn’t my leadership style, or even my stress response.
The issue was that I was trying to function inside an environment that was fundamentally misaligned with the core priorities that were driving my perception.
And because I didn’t understand those priorities, I couldn’t accurately explain what wasn’t working.
If I’d had that level of insight into myself at the time, leaving those misaligned roles would have been much easier.
Because I spent years trying to explain each environment.
When what I really needed was to understand myself at a much deeper level, which is what I’m here trying to save you time doing today.
And it’s so important because while we can’t control our environment, we can understand ourselves.
And self-understanding gives us the clarity to make better decisions about the environments we choose to remain in.
That’s why this isn’t about leadership styles that fall into neat little categories,
It’s about that lens I keep referring to.
Distortions Aren’t The Problem
Now if you’re hearing this and thinking:
“Great. So everything is my fault.”
No. That’s not what I’m saying.
This isn’t about blame. Every leader has distortions.
The danger isn’t having them. The danger is refusing to examine them.
Because distortions we defend just get deeper,
But distortions we examine become opportunities for growth.
And the fact that you’re still reading tells me you’re willing to dig deeper into that layer.
Where Distortions Come From
So the first thing we need to understand before we can address distortions, where they come from.
They’re shaped by two major influences:
The standards we use to evaluate ourselves.
And the priorities already driving our behavior.
Most people inherit their leadership standards from their family, culture, religion, school, and yeah - social media of course.
Then we absorb them and eventually mistake them for reality.
Meanwhile our actual priorities may be very different.
And when those priorities conflict with inherited expectations, friction develops internally.
This is why you feel like you’re falling short even when you’re objectively succeeding.
You’re evaluating yourself through standards you’ve never been shown how to examine.
Here’s how this actually plays out inside our heads.
Imagine a team member disagrees with you.
Almost instantly your mind says: “They don’t respect me.”
But… hear me out - What if they simply care enough to think critically?
And they’re engaged enough to challenge an idea because they genuinely want the outcome to be better?
So why did your mind immediately interpret disagreement as disrespect?
Well, probably because a pre-set expectation you have was violated.
Maybe you’ve come to believe that respect looks like agreement.
So disagreements threaten an insecurity you’ve quietly been carrying about your own competence.
Or maybe you’ve unknowingly been treating one interpretation as though it were an obvious fact:
“If they respected me, they wouldn’t question me.”
But that’s not a fact - It’s an interpretation.
Now imagine someone forgets to do something they agreed to do.
Your first thought is: “I guess they just don’t care.”
But what if they’re overwhelmed? What if they’re carrying a burden you know nothing about?
And what if today simply wasn’t their best day?
So why did your mind immediately interpret forgetfulness as indifference?
In this case maybe it’s because you hold yourself to an incredibly high standard of responsibility.
Maybe you’ve come to expect everyone else to express care the same way you do.
Or maybe you’ve quietly accepted another interpretation as truth:
“If people care, they won’t forget.”
Again...
That’s not a unequivocal moral truth - It’s your personal interpretation.
Now imagine someone pushes back on one of your ideas.
Immediately you feel yourself getting defensive.
“They’re attacking me.”
But what if they’re actually trying to strengthen the solution?
What if they’re challenging the idea… Not your worth?
So why did your mind immediately experience feedback as a personal attack?
Maybe because your identity has become more connected to your performance than you realize.
So criticism activates an unconscious insecurity about not being enough.
And you’ve unknowingly decided that:
“When someone questions my ideas, they’re questioning my competence.”
But ideas can be challenged without your value being diminished.
So you see how quickly our interpretations become our reality?
Those events are neutral - but the meaning we assigned to them are NOT.
And that meaning completely dictates how we respond.
That’s why self-examination is so important.
Because before we can respond differently...
We need to be aware of where our interpretations are coming from and how they are shaping our reality.
And that begins with understanding:
What expectation feels violated?
What insecurity feels threatened?
What assumption am I treating as fact?
Which of course means you need to know what your assumptions and expectations are, and where you have lingering insecurities.
This is key information because if you keep spending your energy trying to control everyone and everything around you...
You’re fighting a battle you’ll never win.
Spiritual Consequences & Why Humility Matters More Than Being Right
Because here’s the thing - and this is why I think this matters so much…
Leadership comes with a level of responsibility that’s often confused with control,
And if you’ve studied the most revered leaders you already know that effective leadership isn’t found in the most controlling people,
It’s expressed by those who deeply connect to stewarding the level of influence they’ve been assigned with,
Which is a much higher calling.
And changing people isn’t your responsibility, that’s God’s territory.
Your responsibility is stewarding yourself and what you’ve been entrusted with,
And that requires humility.
One of the clearest biblical examples of this is Moses.
Despite leading an extraordinarily difficult group of people (not unlike ourselves if we’re being honest), Scripture repeatedly emphasizes his humility.
Not his intelligence. Not his authority. His humility.
Because healthy leadership doesn’t begin with having all of the answers,
It begins with being teachable.
When pride says: “I already know.”
Humility asks: “What might I be missing?”
And great leadership requires that question… every single day.
Which is especially important since that question also affects our relationship with God.
Leaders who believe their worth is tied to performance often struggle to receive grace.
Leaders who equate authority with control often struggle to surrender.
Leaders who fear failure often struggle to trust God’s timing.
The same perception shaping our leadership is often shaping our faith.
Which makes this work deeply spiritual as well - and I bet you weren’t expecting that little truth bomb! ;)
So when you’re ready to stop trying to be the leader who never gets it wrong,
And you want to take a new approach to becoming a leader who provides an environment that’s safe enough for people to grow,
You can begin by asking yourself:
What assumption about myself might be influencing how I lead others - and where did that assumption come from?
Just sit with that and pray about it.
Because the answer may reveal far more than you expect.
And when you’re ready to go deeper - the next step is to…
Start identifying your priorities
And if you’re like - wait, what? What do my priorities have to do with all of this?
Well like I touched on briefly earlier, it’s your core priorities that are already shaping your perception of yourself and the world around you.
That’s why it’s the first step.
And until you understand yours, you’ll be trying to interpret your behavior with incomplete information.
And that’s exactly why I created the Core Priorities Snapshot.
And it’s a totally free tool and it’s designed to help you uncover your true priorities -
not someone else’s - and not a list of things you ‘should’ be doing to reach someone else’s definition of ‘success’ - because we all know where that path leads…
THIS is where you stop that cycle.
No one can tell you who you are, how you’re uniquely designed and wired, and what exactly you need…
Not me. Not another guru. Only God…
… and your willingness to honestly examine the evidence He’s already revealing through your life.
That’s how this is different.
The experience gives you real time personalized feedback to start peeling back layers you’ve likely never examined like this before,
Because it’s designed to help you understand the priorities already shaping how you interpret yourself and the world around you.
And once you understand your lens, you can begin improving how you experience your life and everyone in it.
So if you’re ready to release the burden of carrying loads that aren’t yours to bear,
AND you want to take back control of the only thing you can control anyway - which is yourself of course…
Then seriously go check out the Core Priorities Snapshot.
Because that’s where real life-long transformation begins… and remember…
Renewed Minds Require More Than Just Good Intentions.
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I never had a leadership role, but this article provides a helpful roadmap.