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Have you ever found yourself spending days planning & preparing for a big meeting or an event that you were leading,

Only to then walk away from it thinking…

“Ugh, what just happened? That’s not how I wanted that to go. That’s not what I prepared for.”

Or maybe you’ve obsessed for hours over a difficult email - and the words just won’t come out -

And you know a discussion would actually be better, but you’re trying to avoid the conflict that might arise from what’s sure to be a challenging conversation… so an email it is…

Or what about all of those late nights…

Where you’re sacrificing your personal time yet again, to make sure things go as planned,

Which means doing other people’s jobs because that actually feels easier than trusting them to follow through,

And it also feels like a reasonable antidote to not micromanaging them - which feels like progress because it’s another thing you’ve been working on…

Only to then find yourself frustrated with the very people you’re trying to help,

Because it seems like no one around you cares as much as you do,

So now you’re exhausted yet again…

Which might be the reason you’re not really open to feedback at the moment, because of course you take it personally!

You’re the one doing all of the work and no one seems to appreciate it!

If any of that sounds familiar…

And your leadership role feels more like high-stakes pressure that’s sucking the life out of you rather than the calm confident presence you’re trying to emulate from all of those Ted talks you’ve been watching,

You’re not alone. Seriously - you’re not.

And you’re about to learn something you probably haven’t heard in a Ted talk or leadership conference yet…

And that’s this:

You’re probably not dealing with the leadership problem you think you are - at least not in the traditional sense.

It’s actually much more likely that there’s something else going on that you haven’t been shown how to look at yet.

And since you’re reading this I already know that you care about becoming the best leader you can be,

And you’re probably a high performer who takes your role seriously,

And you want to have a positive impact on your team and the people around you,

Annnd - as a bonus it would be kind of nice if your experience as a leader could be a bit more fulfilling instead of constantly filled with conflict and frustration.

So good news! You’re in the right place for a fresh perspective.

Because here we address the root of what actually drives our behavior, so you can move beyond the late night google searches for more leadership tips -

And instead pinpoint where your unique hidden drivers are coming from, and why they keep revealing themselves at the worst times - even though you’ve been trying like crazy to avoid them.

Leadership brings out all sorts of things about ourselves that we then label as ‘leadership problems.’

We tend to think that our leadership struggles come from a lack of skills, so naturally we work on developing:

Better communication. More effective systems.

Clearer strategies. Stronger teams…

And while all of those absolutely have value, not enough of us have been taught how to take a step back and consider that,

The issue might not be in what we’re doing,

The root issue behind our leadership struggles might in fact be how we’re interpreting ourselves and everyone around us.

So if you’re human - it’s highly likely that you’re dealing with a perception distortion that’s unconsciously causing you to misinterpret situations, and the people involved in them - including yourself.

And that has all kinds of trickle down effects.

Because the truth is - people don’t just experience all of those leadership skills we’re working so hard on...

What they actually experience is the lens through which we attempt to execute those skills.

And if our perception of ourselves is distorted (which it often is for most people),

Then even our best leadership intentions can create unnecessary friction for the people we’re trying to serve.

We’re going to explore how our perception shapes how we lead our teams, our families, our ministries, and pretty much every area in life where we have influence.

Because when we understand ourselves more clearly, we gain the ability to understand others more clearly, and then we can lead them more effectively.

And that journey requires some humility for sure, but it’s worth it because you’ll finally develop more truthful self-awareness,

And that changes everything.

What is Truthful Self-Awareness

Now before we go any further, let’s clarify what I mean by truthful self-awareness.

Because I’m not talking about knowing your Myers-Briggs type.

I’m not talking about your DISC profile or your Birkman results.

And to be clear, I think those tools can be super helpful.

I’ve taken all of them (and a few others) myself.

But most personality assessments (and even skills assessments) are designed to describe how you tend to operate - they focus on behavior.

This work is different.

This work goes another layer deeper into understanding your perception, which is how you interpret yourself.

Knowing that you’re analytical, relational, strategic, extroverted, introverted, or a visionary doesn’t automatically explain why certain situations trigger frustration, insecurity, control, or self-doubt.

Those experiences have much more to do with your interpretation than your personality.

And that’s why two people with nearly identical personality profiles and skill sets will still lead completely differently…

Just spend a few hours with my identical twins and you’ll see that no two people are the same, even when their DNA matches.

So while one ESTP leader may feel confident, another may constantly feel inadequate, even if they’re both highly skilled in the same areas.

One may trust their team. While the other one may struggle to delegate.

One may experience leadership as an expression of their calling, while the other one is burnt out from the constant pressure.

They’re the same personality type, with similar skills and roles,

But they’re having completely different experiences.

Why?

Because personality describes behavior patterns…

And perception explains interpretation.

And it’s our interpretation of ourselves that ultimately drives our emotional experiences,

and like it or not, even if you think you’re not an especially emotional person,

Your emotions are influenced by your internal - and often subconscious - dialog,

Which is what drives most of your leadership decisions.

Which means the real question isn’t: “What type of leader am I?”

The deeper question is: “How am I interpreting what’s happening right now?”

And then we go another layer deeper and ask: “What inside of me is being triggered right now?”

Instead of: “How do I improve my approach to influence other people to change?”

Because you probably already know that leadership growth never begins with other people.

That’s why we’re going deeper than skills and personality types today.

And we’re examining the internal lens itself, because here’s the thing…

The very act of leading others gives us powerful clues about what’s happening inside of us that you might not be aware of.

How you ask?

Because leadership creates responsibility, and responsibility creates pressure,

And pressure has a funny way of exposing the places where we still need God to do His deepest work in us.

And this is where things get tricky.

Because while most leadership advice focuses on the behavior that’s presenting itself at the surface,

It’s your perception of yourself that’s dictating your behavior,

So if your perception of yourself is distorted - then even the best ideas on paper will still not land well - regardless of what that best selling book or expensive training conference promised you.

That’s because the standards and expectations we place on ourselves, become the expectations we have of others as well - so the internal distortions get projected outwardly without us realizing it.

And this projection onto others is one of the most common blind spots in leaders (and pretty much everyone on the planet).

We assume we’re responding to others, but we’re actually reacting to ourselves.

So if we’re relentlessly hard on ourselves internally, we’ll often be hard on others externally.

If we’re struggling with perfectionism, we’ll project our standards onto others as well.

And if deep down we feel inadequate, then we’ll unconsciously seek validation through our leadership.

The behaviors look different - but the root is the same.

We’re projecting our self-perception onto the people we’re leading.

Which means our distortions warp the lens through which we see and interpret them.

Our leadership becomes a powerful mirror in this way,

Which is incredibly useful in peeling back the layers to get to that truthful self-awareness we’re exploring here.

Where Typical Personality & Skills Assessments Fall Short

So for example, I’m an ISTJ.

And if you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs assessment, that’s going to stir up all kinds of assumptions you now have about how I tend to process information and approach the world.

And some of it will be pretty accurate. But here’s the thing - the details matter.

In my case, I’m only about 51% Introverted... But I’m 99% Judging.

Which explains a lot about how I approach things. 😂

And understanding that has value.

Similarly, one of the things I appreciated about the Birkman Assessment was its distinction between typical behavior and stress behavior.

At the time I took it, that insight was incredibly helpful because it validated that I wasn’t actually broken, I was simply functioning almost entirely from stress behavior.

But while those assessments were helpful in describing aspects of what I was experiencing.

Neither could explain the disconnect between my experiences and my intentions,

And by the way - neither could my therapist -

Because neither of them considered the perception layer we’re talking about here.

So I definitely didn’t need another behavior assessment, what I needed was an explanation.

And what I eventually discovered was that the real issue wasn’t my personality or my skills.

It wasn’t my leadership style, or even my stress response.

The issue was that I was trying to function inside an environment that was fundamentally misaligned with the core priorities that were driving my perception.

And because I didn’t understand those priorities, I couldn’t accurately explain what wasn’t working.

If I’d had that level of insight into myself at the time, leaving those misaligned roles would have been much easier.

Because I spent years trying to explain each environment.

When what I really needed was to understand myself at a much deeper level, which is what I’m here trying to save you time doing today.

And it’s so important because while we can’t control our environment, we can understand ourselves.

And self-understanding gives us the clarity to make better decisions about the environments we choose to remain in.

That’s why this isn’t about leadership styles that fall into neat little categories,

It’s about that lens I keep referring to.

Distortions Aren’t The Problem

Now if you’re hearing this and thinking:

“Great. So everything is my fault.”

No. That’s not what I’m saying.

This isn’t about blame. Every leader has distortions.

The danger isn’t having them. The danger is refusing to examine them.

Because distortions we defend just get deeper,

But distortions we examine become opportunities for growth.

And the fact that you’re still reading tells me you’re willing to dig deeper into that layer.

Where Distortions Come From

So the first thing we need to understand before we can address distortions, where they come from.

They’re shaped by two major influences:

1. The standards we use to evaluate ourselves.

2. And the priorities already driving our behavior.

Most people inherit their leadership standards from their family, culture, religion, school, and yeah - social media of course.

Then we absorb them and eventually mistake them for reality.

Meanwhile our actual priorities may be very different.

And when those priorities conflict with inherited expectations, friction develops internally.

This is why you feel like you’re falling short even when you’re objectively succeeding.

You’re evaluating yourself through standards you’ve never been shown how to examine.

Here’s how this actually plays out inside our heads.

1. Imagine a team member disagrees with you.

Almost instantly your mind says: “They don’t respect me.”

But… hear me out - What if they simply care enough to think critically?

And they’re engaged enough to challenge an idea because they genuinely want the outcome to be better?

So why did your mind immediately interpret disagreement as disrespect?

Well, probably because a pre-set expectation you have was violated.

Maybe you’ve come to believe that respect looks like agreement.

So disagreements threaten an insecurity you’ve quietly been carrying about your own competence.

Or maybe you’ve unknowingly been treating one interpretation as though it were an obvious fact:

“If they respected me, they wouldn’t question me.”

But that’s not a fact - It’s an interpretation.

2. Now imagine someone forgets to do something they agreed to do.

Your first thought is: “I guess they just don’t care.”

But what if they’re overwhelmed? What if they’re carrying a burden you know nothing about?

And what if today simply wasn’t their best day?

So why did your mind immediately interpret forgetfulness as indifference?

In this case maybe it’s because you hold yourself to an incredibly high standard of responsibility.

Maybe you’ve come to expect everyone else to express care the same way you do.

Or maybe you’ve quietly accepted another interpretation as truth:

“If people care, they won’t forget.”

Again...

That’s not a unequivocal moral truth - It’s your personal interpretation.

3. Now imagine someone pushes back on one of your ideas.

Immediately you feel yourself getting defensive.

“They’re attacking me.”

But what if they’re actually trying to strengthen the solution?

What if they’re challenging the idea… Not your worth?

So why did your mind immediately experience feedback as a personal attack?

Maybe because your identity has become more connected to your performance than you realize.

So criticism activates an unconscious insecurity about not being enough.

And you’ve unknowingly decided that:

“When someone questions my ideas, they’re questioning my competence.”

But ideas can be challenged without your value being diminished.

So you see how quickly our interpretations become our reality?

Those events are neutral - but the meaning we assigned to them are NOT.

And that meaning completely dictates how we respond.

That’s why self-examination is so important.

Because before we can respond differently...

We need to be aware of where our interpretations are coming from and how they are shaping our reality.

And that begins with understanding:

• What expectation feels violated?

• What insecurity feels threatened?

• What assumption am I treating as fact?

Which of course means you need to know what your assumptions and expectations are, and where you have lingering insecurities.

This is key information because if you keep spending your energy trying to control everyone and everything around you...

You’re fighting a battle you’ll never win.

Spiritual Consequences & Why Humility Matters More Than Being Right

Because here’s the thing - and this is why I think this matters so much…

Leadership comes with a level of responsibility that’s often confused with control,

And if you’ve studied the most revered leaders you already know that effective leadership isn’t found in the most controlling people,

It’s expressed by those who deeply connect to stewarding the level of influence they’ve been assigned with,

Which is a much higher calling.

And changing people isn’t your responsibility, that’s God’s territory.

Your responsibility is stewarding yourself and what you’ve been entrusted with,

And that requires humility.

One of the clearest biblical examples of this is Moses.

Despite leading an extraordinarily difficult group of people (not unlike ourselves if we’re being honest), Scripture repeatedly emphasizes his humility.

Not his intelligence. Not his authority. His humility.

Because healthy leadership doesn’t begin with having all of the answers,

It begins with being teachable.

When pride says: “I already know.”

Humility asks: “What might I be missing?”

And great leadership requires that question… every single day.

Which is especially important since that question also affects our relationship with God.

Leaders who believe their worth is tied to performance often struggle to receive grace.

Leaders who equate authority with control often struggle to surrender.

Leaders who fear failure often struggle to trust God’s timing.

The same perception shaping our leadership is often shaping our faith.

Which makes this work deeply spiritual as well - and I bet you weren’t expecting that little truth bomb! ;)

So when you’re ready to stop trying to be the leader who never gets it wrong,

And you want to take a new approach to becoming a leader who provides an environment that’s safe enough for people to grow,

You can begin by asking yourself:

What assumption about myself might be influencing how I lead others - and where did that assumption come from?

Just sit with that and pray about it.

Because the answer may reveal far more than you expect.

And when you’re ready to go deeper - the next step is to…

Start identifying your priorities

And if you’re like - wait, what? What do my priorities have to do with all of this?

Well like I touched on briefly earlier, it’s your core priorities that are already shaping your perception of yourself and the world around you.

That’s why it’s the first step.

And until you understand yours, you’ll be trying to interpret your behavior with incomplete information.

And that’s exactly why I created the Core Priorities Snapshot.

And it’s a totally free tool and it’s designed to help you uncover your true priorities -

not someone else’s - and not a list of things you ‘should’ be doing to reach someone else’s definition of ‘success’ - because we all know where that path leads…

THIS is where you stop that cycle.

No one can tell you who you are, how you’re uniquely designed and wired, and what exactly you need…

Not me. Not another guru. Only God…

… and your willingness to honestly examine the evidence He’s already revealing through your life.

That’s how this is different.

The experience gives you real time personalized feedback to start peeling back layers you’ve likely never examined like this before,

Because it’s designed to help you understand the priorities already shaping how you interpret yourself and the world around you.

And once you understand your lens, you can begin improving how you experience your life and everyone in it.

So if you’re ready to release the burden of carrying loads that aren’t yours to bear,

AND you want to take back control of the only thing you can control anyway - which is yourself of course…

Then seriously go check out the Core Priorities Snapshot.

Because that’s where real life-long transformation begins… and remember…

Renewed Minds Require More Than Just Good Intentions.

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This article was originally published here, and it’s the companion article to this podcast episode if you prefer to listen instead of read.

So what if the arguments you’re having with your spouse aren’t really about what’s happening in that given moment?

But instead, they’re actually exposing the meaning we assign to what’s happening?

Because most of us know that when two people experience the exact same event they both walk away with completely different interpretations, which means the conflict is rarely about the event itself,

The conflict is actually rooted in our own perception of the situation - and that’s not just our perception of our spouse - but subconsciously the more influential dynamic at hand is our perception of ourselves,

And our relationship with our spouse exposes how we see ourselves from the very first moment we meet them - we just aren’t fully conscious of it,

And if our perception of ourselves is distorted (which it often is for most people), then even our good intentions can turn into frustration, defensiveness, and disconnection when we’re with them.

But here’s the thing… since you’re reading this, that’s proof that you’re invested in becoming the best version of yourself for your marriage,

And you’re in the right place, because here we address the root of what’s actually driving your behavior vs just the behavior itself - which is actually just a symptom, but it’s also a powerful indicator of your perception.

So that’s what we’re going to dig into today.

And even if you aren’t married, stay with me,

Because the principles we’ll discuss apply to anyone in a romantic relationship - regardless of the stage you’re in.

In fact, if you’re at the beginning of a new relationship it will set the stage for a level of closeness that isn’t achievable without this level of awareness - so buckle up! It’s about to get real…

Welcome to Powered by PURPOSE! - I’m Melody Lacey, and I help people clear the distorted perceptions that keep us from being able to see, and treat, ourselves, and others - like our spouses, the way God asks us to.

Because we’ve all been there…

Most of us have struggled, to some degree, with a tension that creates an emotionally reactive response with our spouse, and that disconnects us from how God has called us to love one another,

So here we take a God (and spouse) focused approach to self-discovery and personal growth - to unpack the real root cause behind the friction all married couples feel in our dynamic with each other at times,

And we’ll do this by examining how our beliefs shape our perception of reality,

Which, as you’ll see, requires some humility to examine truthfully, to find out what’s really driving our behavior.

And that’s the first step in renewing our thinking with God’s truth, so that we can start seeing things more clearly,

Because when you understand yourself more clearly, then you’ll be able to understand your spouse much better as well…

And then marriage becomes the loving union it’s intended to be, instead of a source of frustration.

Because the reality is - renewed minds - and marriages - require MORE than just good intentions,

And thankfully God has given us the template and tools to grow closer to modeling the bridegroom He is to us.

So let’s start unpacking this…

Marriage Doesn’t Create Conflict. It Exposes Our Insecurities.

Here’s the reality every married person already knows - our spouses experience every aspect of our personalities,

Because they are the ones who we can truly let our guard down with, and be completely vulnerable with, which we all know comes with both ups and downs.

And our personalities obviously exist before we meet our spouse, and so do our insecurities.

Absolutely no one gets married and then suddenly develops insecurities out of nowhere.

Some new ones might get discovered that you didn’t know were there, or exacerbated by a dynamic that wasn’t present before sharing your life with someone else,

But the fact is our insecurities exist long before we meet someone we want to date - regardless of the age we are when we meet them.

Marriage simply creates enough proximity for all aspects of ourselves to become visible - and in some cases - highlighted.

Our spouses experience our ‘best selves’ through our love, our intimacy, our support and patience, and the grace we extend to them as they grow in life alongside us as human beings experiencing new things along the way,

And some of those things are challenging… like our careers… whether or not we have children… finances are usually a big one… and then there’s the extended family and our in-laws…

All of these come with frustrations that need to be navigated together, as a team,

And many of them expose the other side of ourselves as well - like our fears, attachment issues, and our expectations…

This is where it gets really tricky -

Because our expectations of THEM are often a reflection of the expectations we have of OURSELVES, AND they are usually rooted in standards we inherited from our own parents, society, religion, etc… but we’ll touch on that in a bit…

So marriage becomes a mirror.

Not because our spouse causes these things,

But because the relationship reveals what’s already there.

And most marriage advice out there tends to focus on behavior and approach - you know, things like:

• Effective communication,

• Establishing roles and routines to support each other and the household,

• And if you go deeper it’s learning about each other’s love language and learning how to meet their needs,

And all of those things absolutely matter…

But through all of that, our spouses are always experiencing us - as people.

And they experience the emotional environments we create with the energy we bring to every interaction,

And as I talked about in this podcast episode -

Our energy is affected by lots of variables - like - how we slept last night, if we’re hungry and cranky, how much stress we’re under at any given time, the skills we have to handle our stress, and let’s not forget our hormones…

ohhh the hormones…

The hormones that once brought us together with our spouse, are now fluctuating all the time and have a different kind of fire associated with them,

And both women AND men deal with those fluctuations as we age,

And while we have very little control over the fluctuations in any of those variables (especially the hormones),

Our perception is always present - like 100% of the time - and it’s dictating the relationship we have with our spouse, but more importantly - it dictates the relationship we have with ourselves,

And it stems from → the assumptions we unconsciously operate from,

Which influences → the way we respond to them and how we handle frustrating situations,

Which is rooted in… you guessed it → the way we view and treat ourselves.

We Project Our Relationship With Ourselves Onto Our Spouses

We’ve all blamed our spouses for making us angry, or insecure, or defensive, or maybe for feeling rejected,

But your spouse is actually just surfacing something that’s already there, and the interpretations are different for everyone,

Which is why two people can experience the exact same situation completely differently.

Your spouse isn’t dictating your interpretation of any situation, your perception is,

And they’re simply exposing it.

So if I’m constantly critical of myself… I will most likely be critical of my spouse.

If I struggle to extend grace to myself… I’ll likely struggle to extend grace to them.

If I never feel good enough… I may unknowingly communicate that they aren’t either.

Not because I’m trying to,

But because projection is an unconscious expression we have with others,

And the projection is rooted in our distorted perception of ourselves,

Which becomes the lens through which we interpret others.

Including our spouses.

So for example, if I secretly believe I’m ‘failing’ as a spouse, I may become unusually sensitive to feedback.

A simple comment about the dishes in that context isn’t just experienced as a comment about the dishes.

It’s experienced as confirmation that I’m not enough.

And then I’m reacting to my insecurity, not my spouse.

So the deeper truth we’re unpacking here is that:

And underneath that lies the unresolved tensions inside of ourselves, which is creating a distortion of reality.

The Distorted Interpretation Isn’t The Problem

So if you haven’t already, this is the point where you might be freaking out, or trying to call BS on all of this - but hang with me and try to be open minded to this perspective,

because it’s what can break you free from the blame game and dare I say… playing the victim in your relationship - I know - I said it, and yes, we’ve all done it…

But if you’re hearing this and thinking:

“Great. Now everything is my fault...”

Take a breath, and calm down, because no…

That’s not what I’m saying.

This isn’t about whose fault anything is.

It’s about how you’re perceiving any given situation,

And how that’s driving your interpretation of it, and thus your response to it.

The point is awareness - self-awareness… which BTW is the ONLY thing you can control!

Which is actually great news, because that means you have way more control over your experience in your relationship that you might realize,

And you’re in good company, because everyone has to navigate their distorted perceptions… it’s just usually called ‘baggage’ and we all have it,

Everyone has insecurities and no one is perfect,

We’re all just (hopefully) doing our best and working with what we’ve got,

And the good news is there’s no real danger in having distortions,

The danger lies in refusing to acknowledge that they exist, and then refusing to examine them,

Because the distortions we defend become distortions that deepen division,

But distortions we examine, become opportunities for connection.

And that’s why you’re here investing in the health of your relationship by taking the time to learn what’s really going on,

And the fact that you’ve hung with me this long proves that you care about how you’re showing up for your spouse, which is awesome!

Where Our Distorted Interpretations Come From

OK - so before we can get into addressing our distorted perceptions (which remember is the only thing we really can do), we need to understand where they come from in the first place.

I mean, none of us wake up one morning and decide to interpret ourselves, or anyone else, inaccurately.

Our understanding of ourselves develops over time and is shaped by two primary factors:

1. The standards we use to evaluate ourselves - which is what drives our perceptions and our expectations… plus…

2. The actual priorities that are already driving our decisions and behavior, which often conflict with the standards we’re evaluating ourselves by - hence the tension…

So we’ll start with the standards we use to evaluate ourselves and everyone around us.

Like I said earlier, every single one of us inherits standards that become expectations. They come from:

• Our family and upbringing,

• The culture we’re living in,

• Our religious beliefs and encounters with other Christians,

• Social media of course,

• Our real life social circles - and dare I say - even the celebrities we don’t even know personally!

• And then some of us - like me - set our own - just to keep things interesting!

The challenge is that we rarely recognize our standards and expectations as interpretations.

We experience them as reality.

We assume our spouse should see the situation the way we do because the standard feels obvious to us.

But ‘obvious’ isn’t objective. It’s simply familiar.

And that’s why two loving people can look at the same situation and arrive at completely different conclusions.

And the thing is - some inherited standards are in fact healthy…

I mean, I’ll submit that God’s standards are the only ‘shoulds’ we should aspire to live up to,

But the nuance here is in HOW we interpret our standards and to what extent they dictate how we function.

Because that’s where it gets tricky,

When you combine the fact that some of our inherited standards aren’t actually healthy,

With the fact that many people never consciously examine them…

The result is we simply absorb them,

And then we spend our entire lives measuring ourselves against them, which often results in an ongoing conflict with the second factor, which is..

The real, and highly individualistic, priorities that are already driving our behavior.

THIS is the other part most people miss, because we weren’t given the tools to examine them properly.

You see - even if theoretically two people did inherit the exact same standards, they still won’t interpret themselves the same way.

Why?

Because no two people on the planet prioritize the same things, in the same order, to the same degree of magnitude.

Everyone is driven by different priorities.

And consequently we all have different motivations, different needs, and different sources of meaning,

And those priorities are the real indicator of what we truly value as individuals.

But there’s often a disconnect between what people THINK they prioritize and where they actually spend their time - which, spoiler alert - is the evidence of what you actually prioritize, vs what you intend to.

And that’s where friction festers in our life.

But while the thought of friction can create negative vibes, it’s actually incredibly helpful because it’s part of the evidence that helps us get to the root of what’s going on.

Because when we evaluate ourselves against inherited standards that don’t align with what God defined,

and we think we’re prioritizing one thing, but our calendar reflects something else.

You’ll spend your years feeling like you’re not measuring up,

When the real issue is simply a misinterpretation of ourselves,

Because we’re measuring ourselves against the wrong criteria,

And then we’re stuck in a never ending cycle of self-judgement,

Which doesn’t exactly set the stage for a healthy relationship with ourselves, or anyone else - and it’s just an unnecessary layer that we can absolutely rid ourselves of.

The Meaning We Assign Creates The Conflict

So let’s look at how this plays out in real life with our spouses, so you can really see where I’m going with this.

Now that we know that no two people have the same mix of priorities or inherited standards, and everyone interprets things differently because of that, this is how we see it in our marriage:

Scenario 1: Your spouse forgets something ‘important’ - and I’m using quotes here because the level of importance is also subjective and may not be equal between two people - but for this example we’ll assume the degree of importance was agreed upon and your spouse signed up for a specific task and then they forgot to do it.

One interpretation could be that they don’t care.

Another one could be that they’re just overwhelmed.

Another common one is: “I must not be important to them.”

And then there’s…: “They never listen or follow through.”

It was the same event - 4 different meanings.

And let’s be honest, I just stopped with four, you can insert your interpretation, and whatever yours is, it’s simply another type of emotional reaction,

And it’s likely a different argument than your spouse’s is,

Because the conflict isn’t actually the forgotten task - it’s in the interpretation attached to it.

Scenario 2: Your spouse wants time alone.

Some think: They don’t want to be around me.

Others don’t take it quite as personally and they think: They’re just overwhelmed and need space.

Still others wonder if they did something wrong.

And then some believe that they’re simply taking ownership for their own wellbeing.

Same event. Different meanings.

Scenario 3: Your spouse doesn’t respond enthusiastically to one of your ideas.

Some might think that they don’t support them.

Others might wonder if they just need more information.

Some feel like they’re being criticized.

And others are patient because they suspect they’re just processing the idea before responding.

Again… Same event. 4 different meanings.

Notice that none of those interpretations are actually facts - they’re conclusions made by each individual.

The Person You’re Really Arguing With

So this begs the question of who we’re actually arguing with when these situations blow up.

Sometimes we’re arguing with:

• our insecurities

• our expectations

• our fears

• our need for approval

• our fear of rejection

• our need to be right

Our spouse simply became the screen onto which those things were projected.

This doesn’t eliminate responsibility, it increases it,

Because now we can ask: “What inside me is being activated right now?”

Instead of: “How do I get them to change?”

Why Humility Matters More Than Being Right

Because here’s the thing - if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly focusing on your spouse’s behavior and you’re trying to get them to change, and you’re hoping they will start to see things your way,

That’s futile, and it’s really not the best use of your energy and it’s precisely why you get so frustrated and emotionally charged when conflicts arise.

Because changing other people isn’t possible - only God can do that, and even He requires us to be willing to allow Him to work within us,

He repeatedly shows us throughout Scripture that the only control we have is over ourselves, so if you find that you’ve been focused outward, it’s time to shift inward,

And that requires coming to the altar with some humility - and yes, that can be a hard pill to swallow,

BUT - it’s literally the only thing you can control, and it’s actually great news because leaning into understanding your perception,

and evolving it to align with God’s truth and your unique design is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself

and it will change your entire life experience with yourself and your spouse - and BTW - everyone else too.

It’s like the Pharisees. They were so vocal about being right and justifying their views about God - yet when the truth and the life stood right before them - they were blind to it and couldn’t see past the noses on their faces.

And while most of us would never compare ourselves to the Pharisees,

That’s exactly what many couples are doing when they are certain their interpretation is reality, and they approach each other with the goal of trying to prove:

• who is right

• who is wrong

• who started it

• who should apologize

But Jesus came with a relationship centric message for all of us - and He’s been communicating HIS priority on healthy relationships as He’s defined it from Genesis until now…

Because He knows that transformation never begins with rigid certainty,

It begins with people who are curious and humble enough to be teachable, and flexible enough to grow when necessary - and let’s be real - it’s always necessary…

When our pride says: “I already know.”

We need to take a step back and allow humility to ask: “What might I be missing?”

And healthy marriages require both people to remain teachable enough to ask that question.

What Love Actually Requires

Because if we don’t, we’ll never be able to live out the second greatest commandment to love our spouse as ourself,

Because while the world is telling us to love ourselves, there’s a gross misunderstanding of what love actually is…

When most people hear “self-love,” they think of things like self-care, self-esteem, self-acceptance, confidence, boundaries, or personal fulfillment.

And some of those things have value, but that’s not how Scripture defines love.

According to 1 Corinthians 13, love is really hard. It asks us to be:

Patient. Kind. Not envious. Not boastful. Not proud. Not self-seeking. Not easily angered. Keep no record of wrongs. And rejoices with the truth.

That’s a much higher standard than simply feeling good about yourself.

And if I’m honest, it’s also a little uncomfortable.

Because when I evaluate my relationship with myself through that lens, I don’t always find love.

Sometimes I find impatience… and harsh criticism.

Sometimes I find pride.

Sometimes I find unrealistic expectations and a running record of every mistake I’ve ever made.

So if I struggle to love myself according to God’s definition of love, why would I assume I’m naturally loving others that way consistently?

And here’s something that’s rarely discussed:

Jesus didn’t tell us to love others more than ourselves (though He did tell us to put others before us - but that’s slightly different),

He told us to love others as ourselves.

Which means - you guessed it! - the relationship we have with ourselves matters.

Not because life is all about us,

But because we project our relationship with ourselves onto everyone else - including our spouses.

So if I keep a record of my own wrongs, I’ll tend to keep a record of theirs.

This is where self-love and self-obsession part ways.

Self-obsession is preoccupied with self.

Biblical self-love is concerned with relating to yourself truthfully.

One keeps you focused inward,

The other helps you remove the distortions that prevent you from loving God and your spouse well.

So the goal isn’t thinking about ourselves more…

It’s learning to see ourselves clearly enough that we can stop making everything about ourselves.

Because loving others well starts with understanding the relationship that’s always present:

The one you have with yourself.

Because the relationship we have with ourselves becomes the model we project into marriage.

Practical Self-Examination

So hopefully you can see by now that most marriage conflicts aren’t caused by the event itself.

They’re caused by the meaning we assign to the event.

And the goal of marriage isn’t finding someone who never triggers your distortions.

The goal is becoming humble enough to examine those distortions when they surface.

Because conflict often reveals the places where truth has an opportunity to transform us.

And transformation begins when we’re willing to reconsider our interpretation.

So here are some questions you can start asking yourself right now:

“What assumptions am I making about the situation and my spouse?”

“What story am I telling myself?”

“What expectation do I feel is being ‘violated?’”

“What internal fear is being activated in this situation?”

“What objective evidence do I actually have to support my position?”

“What might I be misinterpreting about their actions?”

Honestly - asking those questions will help your relationship right away - but if this topic drummed up some recurring patterns in how you interpret yourself or others,

And if you’re like most people and you’ve never been taught how to objectively identify patterns driven by your subconscious,

Then the Core Priorities Snapshot will help you uncover your unique priorities, assumptions, and interpretations, and that’s the first step in learning how they are already shaping your reactions so you can start seeing yourself more clearly.

It’s absolutely free to try, and it’s a great way to remove the log from your own eye and start renewing your mind as Scripture asks us to,

But the thing is -

They require the humility to examine yourself truthfully, and a willingness to let truth correct your perception,

And you can start that process today with the Core Priorities Snapshot, so you can really…

Live your life on purpose!

Subscribe to Powered by PURPOSE and get started with free resources not available anywhere else but here!

Sharing is caring! If this resonated with you and someone you know has been working hard to grow, but still feels stuck, frustrated, or disconnected from their calling, then send this to them.

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Additional Resources:

There was a season of my life when I lived in chronic survival mode, and although my heart was usually in the right place, the people around me often had to look past my reactions to see it.

Eventually I realized that asking people to constantly interpret my intentions wasn’t fair, and if I cared about my relationships, I needed to understand what was actually driving my behavior.

If you see yourself in any of that then check out this episode, where we unpack:

Where our stress comes from, how it turns into survival mode, and how it impacts the way we relate to others.

1:08 - My Own Survival Mode Story

4:40 - How Survival Mode Actually Works

5:20 - The Real Source of Stress

6:15 - Why Symptom Management Isn’t Enough

8:00 - When People Constantly Have to Make Excuses For You

10:35 - The Two Forces Shaping Your Perception

12:00 - Why We Misjudge Ourselves

13:25 - The Root of Chronic Internal Conflict

15:50 - What’s Required for True Transformation

18:00 - Final Challenge

Gain access to transformative personal growth + free resources not available anywhere else but here.

This article was originally published here.

Before our children adopt our rules, routines, or parenting techniques, they experience something far more powerful: the relationship we have with ourselves.

That’s probably not something most parents want to hear.

After all, we spend countless hours trying to become better parents.

We read books on discipline, communication, routines, emotional regulation, and positive reinforcement.

We want to raise kind, capable, resilient children, so we naturally focus on our parenting strategies.

And those things absolutely matter.

But children don’t just experience our parenting techniques,

They experience us.

Long before they understand our rules, they experience our patience and our anxiety.

Our frustration and our grace.

Our confidence and our insecurities.

They experience the emotional environments we create every time we interact with them.

In other words, they don’t simply learn from what we say,

They learn from who we are.

Parenting Reveals the Relationship We Have With Ourselves

If you’ve ever noticed that parenting seems to expose parts of yourself you didn’t know existed, you’re not imagining it.

Nothing reveals our relationship with ourselves quite like raising children,

Because children have an incredible ability to activate the places where we’re still growing ourselves.

Not because they’re trying to, but

Because they’re human…

And so are we.

The truth is our children often experience the way we relate to ourselves long before they understand anything we’re trying to teach them.

If I’m constantly criticizing myself... I’ll likely become more critical of them.

If I struggle to extend grace to myself... I’ll probably struggle to extend grace to them.

If my sense of worth depends on achievement... I’ll unintentionally begin measuring them by achievement too.

Not because I want to,

But because projection is often unconscious.

That’s what makes self-awareness so important.

The Root Isn’t Parenting - It’s Perception

Most parenting advice focuses on behavior.

How to communicate & establish routines.

How to discipline & respond to tantrums.

How to set boundaries… the list goes on.

Those conversations absolutely matter,

But behavior is the symptom…

Perception is the root under the symptoms.

The way we interpret ourselves shapes the way we interpret everyone else - including our children.

And unless we examine that lens we’ll simply parent through it.

Where Does That Lens Come From?

None of us wake up one morning and decide to misunderstand ourselves.

Our self-perception develops over years.

It’s shaped by the standards we’ve inherited from our families, culture, churches, schools, relationships, and experiences.

Then something interesting happens.

Those standards stop feeling like interpretations,

And they simply feel like reality.

We assume they’re true because they’ve become familiar.

But just because something is familiar doesn’t always mean it’s truthful.

Many of us spend years evaluating ourselves against standards we never consciously chose,

Then at the same time we’re trying to live according to priorities that are uniquely our own.

And when those two things conflict → tension develops, and the frustration sets in.

How Your Priorities Affect Your Reactions

Imagine a parent whose deepest priority is meaningful connection.

Now imagine they also believe a “good parent” should always be productive, efficient, patient, and in complete control.

Those aren’t the same thing and they have different measurements.

Every time life becomes messy - as life with children inevitably does - that parent will experience internal conflict.

Not because they’re failing,

But because they’re judging themselves through a standard that conflicts with what genuinely matters most to them.

Then without realizing it that tension spills into the relationship.

Children feel it…

And obviously not because they’re evaluating our parenting philosophy (as if!),

It’s because they’re experiencing us as humans (even if we are still on their pedestals).

Understanding Starts Requires Humility

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that distorted perception isn’t simply about being wrong.

It’s about interpreting reality inaccurately.

Sometimes we misinterpret ourselves - and sometimes we misinterpret others.

Sometimes we even misinterpret God.

Once those interpretations become familiar, they begin to feel like unquestionable truth - and that’s where things can really go off the rails!

Because when that happens we stop recognizing them as interpretations altogether. 😳

This is why self-awareness requires humility.

Humility allows us to ask:

“What if I’ve misunderstood something?”

And without it - correction becomes nearly impossible.

What Our Children Actually Need

Most parents aren’t trying to be perfect. We’re trying to love our children well.

And thankfully perfection isn’t what children need anyway - they need adults who remain teachable.

Adults who apologize. Who admit when they’ve misunderstood.

Adults who are willing to say,

“I don’t think I interpreted that correctly.”

That’s not weakness! That’s maturity (both personal and spiritual)…

It’s truthful self-awareness - and it’s much closer to the kind of humility Scripture invites us into.

A Different Way to See Parenting

So let’s think about a few common parenting situations we’ve all found ourselves in:

A broken glass. A poor report card. An emotional meltdown.

Those events are all relatively neutral. But our interpretations aren’t.

One parent sees an accident.

Another sees carelessness.

Another sees disrespect.

Another sees failure.

The child isn’t the only variable… the parent’s perception is.

That’s why two loving parents can respond so differently to the exact same situation.

So Before You Analyze Your Child...

Stop for a minute and give yourself a once over - or maybe twice… actually, three time’s a charm!

Instead of asking,

“What’s wrong with my child?“

Try asking yourself,

“What is this situation revealing about me?”

Where am I hardest on myself?

Where do I struggle to extend grace?

What standards am I using to evaluate myself?

Where did those standards come from?

Which of those standards came from God?

Which ones simply became familiar?

Those questions will reveal far more than most parenting techniques ever could.

The Greatest Gift We Give Our Children

One day our children will forget many of the specific words we used. They won’t remember every consequence.

They certainly won’t remember every lecture.

But they will absolutely remember what it felt like to be around us - you know this is true because of what you remember about your parents / childhood.

Our kids will remember whether home felt safe or not.

Whether mistakes could be repaired. Whether curiosity was welcomed.

Whether humility was modeled… or just preached out. Whether love felt conditional or secure.

So I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children isn’t the appearance of certainty,

Instead it’s modeling what it looks like to remain teachable.

Because teachable parents raise children who know that growth is always possible,

And that begins by ditching the unrealistic pursuit of becoming the perfect parent...

And instead truthfully understanding the person God has entrusted us to steward first → ourselves.

Ready to See Yourself More Clearly?

If this article resonated with you likely recognized something important:

The tension you experience as a parent probably isn’t coming from a lack of love or effort. It more likely stems from the way you’ve learned to interpret yourself.

The challenge is that our perceptions can feel so obvious that we rarely stop to question them because we assume we know what drives us, what we value, and why we respond the way we do - but assumptions are rarely accurate.

That’s why I created the Core Priorities Snapshot.

Rather than putting you into another personality category or telling you who you are, it helps you examine the lived evidence your own life is already revealing,

By uncovering the priorities that are actually driving your decisions, the standards you’ve been evaluating yourself against, and the hidden tension between the two.

Because the more clearly you understand yourself, the more clearly you’ll understand the people God has entrusted to your care.

Whether you’re a parent, spouse, leader, teacher, or simply someone who wants healthier relationships, lasting change begins with truthful self-awareness.

So try the free Core Priorities Snapshot and begin discovering the person God uniquely created you to be, so you can truly…

Live your life on purpose!

Subscribe to Powered by PURPOSE and get free resources not available anywhere else but here!

Sharing is caring! If this resonated with you and someone you know has been working hard to grow, but still feels stuck, frustrated, or disconnected from their calling, then send this to them.

Share Powered by PURPOSE

Dig Deeper:

In this episode, we explore why so many of us spend years chasing achievement, only to discover that success still doesn’t feel fulfilling.

Together, we’ll examine how the standards we’ve inherited shape the way we evaluate ourselves, and why those standards often conflict with the unique way God designed us.

You’ll learn about the two forces that shape our experience of work, and how we often mistake burnout, frustration, or lack of motivation as personal failure, when it’s not the real culprit.

We’ll also explore why discovering your core priorities is one of the most important steps toward meaningful work, faithful stewardship, and lasting fulfillment.

It’s not about becoming someone else - it’s learning to understand the person God created you to be.

So if you’ve ever felt successful on paper, but empty in practice, this episode is for you:

02:40 - Why gratitude, hard work, and achievement don’t always produce fulfillment.

05:18 - Maybe You’re Solving the Wrong Problem

07:00 - The Two Forces Shaping Your Experience

08:18 - Why Your Job May Feel Draining

11:48 - From Self-Judgment to Stewardship

13:23 - Questions That Reveal the Truth

14:02 - The Core Priorities Snapshot - How identifying your priorities helps uncover your perception of work and life.

16:57 - Where Real Fulfillment Begins

Gain access to transformative personal growth + free resources not available anywhere else but here.

This article was originally published here.

Have you ever found yourself wondering...

“Why do I keep reacting this way?”

Or maybe...

“Why do I genuinely want to honor God... but still struggle to consistently live out my intentions?”

Perhaps you’ve spent years reading books, listening to podcasts, going to therapy, taking personality assessments, praying, journaling, or trying to become a better version of yourself.

And while you’ve certainly grown...

Something still feels off.

There’s a disconnect between what you believe and how you actually experience life.

If that’s you...

First off - you’re not alone.

And second...

You’re probably not struggling for the reason you think you are.

Most Personal Growth Starts in the Wrong Place

Most approaches to personal growth assume you simply need:

• more discipline

• better habits

• stronger boundaries

• improved communication

• greater confidence

And those things all have value for sure,

But what if they’re being built on a foundation you’ve never actually examined?

Because before we can change our behavior...

We first have to understand what’s already driving it, and that’s found in…

The Story Your Life if Already Telling

And here’s how you decode it:

If I were to ask you what matters most to you, you’d probably have an answer.

But if we examined the patterns inside your daily life...

Like what’s actually on your calendar, where you spend your money, what consistently captures your attention, and how you naturally organize your life and fill your spaces…

Would the evidence support your answer?

That’s the question that changed how I saw my own life.

Because once I learned what to analyze, and more importantly, why it mattered, I realized something:

The story your life is telling isn’t written by what you hope is true.

It’s written by what your life consistently demonstrates.

Those consistent patterns reveal something incredibly important:

Your true priorities.

Not the priorities you wish you had,

Or the priorities you think you should have.

The priorities your life is already organized around.

And those priorities are the lens through which you interpret yourself, other people, and the world around you.

In other words...

Your priorities shape your perception.

And once you understand that...

Everything starts making a lot more sense.

Because in this case, the evidence doesn’t condemn us…

It informs us with the truth,

And the truth really does set us free.

Free to stop striving…

Free to stop comparing…

And free to embrace who we are and how God uniquely designed us,

Instead of chasing someone else’s definition of success.

Honor that - and build from there on a solid foundation.

So You Can Stop Beating Yourself Up

For years I believed something was wrong with me.

I couldn’t understand why I could intellectually believe something...

...yet emotionally struggle to experience it.

I spent years trying harder. Learning more. Fixing myself.

Until God revealed something I hadn’t considered.

The problem wasn’t my effort…

It was my interpretation.

I had been evaluating myself through inherited standards that weren’t aligned with how He had uniquely designed me.

And because I misunderstood myself...

I misunderstood other people and my circumstances.

And for a season I even misunderstood what God was trying to teach me.

But I eventually got the point when I found…

The Missing Piece Is Truthful Self-Awareness

Our culture talks constantly about self-awareness,

But thinking about yourself all the time isn’t the same thing as understanding yourself.

Because truthful self-awareness isn’t built on introspection alone,

It’s built on correctly interpreting the evidence your life is already revealing.

Because once your true priorities become visible...

You can finally understand the lens through which you’ve been interpreting your experiences all along.

That’s why this approach doesn’t begin by changing your behavior,

It begins by uncovering the priorities already shaping your perception.

Only then can you begin renewing your mind from a place of truth instead of assumption.

That starts by honestly examining:

• what consistently energizes you

• what consistently drains you

• where your attention naturally goes

• what your life has already been organized around

Because those patterns tell the truth, even when your emotions don’t.

Why This Changes Everything

The way you see yourself affects every relationship you have.

If you constantly criticize yourself...

You’ll often become critical of others.

If you constantly feel like you’re falling short...

You’ll often assume other people are judging you too.

Because every relationship we have with others is first filtered through the relationship we have with ourselves.

That’s why learning to relate to yourself truthfully isn’t selfish.

It’s foundational.

And It’s Required For Meaningful Growth

Romans 12 calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds,

But renewing the mind isn’t behavior modification,

It isn’t forced positivity,

And it certainly isn’t pretending everything is fine!

Renewing the mind means allowing God’s truth to correct our distorted perceptions.

It means learning to interpret yourself, other people, and your circumstances through a clearer lens.

Because until the lens changes...

Everything will continue to feel harder than it needs to,

And you’ll treat personal interpretation as absolute truth.

A Different Approach to Personal Growth

Most approaches teach you how to emulate what works for someone else with generic advice and productivity frameworks that leave people deflated and burnt out.

My goal is completely different.

I want to help you correctly interpret the information your own life has been revealing all along.

Because there’s only one you - and no one can tell you who you are,

And your life is already telling the truth, and it’s there for you to examine.

You simply haven’t been taught how to examine it this way.

And once you do...

You’ll begin seeing yourself...

Others...

And God...

More clearly.

Where to Begin

So if you’re ready to stop ‘optimizing’ yourself to death…

And you’re ready to stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reel...

And stop judging yourself against those inherited standards that were never yours in the first place...

Maybe it’s time to stop trying to be someone else…

And start learning more about the wonderful person God already knitted together.

You can start doing that with the Free Core Priorities Snapshot.

It’s an interactive self-discovery experience that helps uncover the evidence already shaping your thoughts and behavior, and Subscribers get access right away!

Because before we can grow personally and spiritually...

We first need to understand what our life demonstrates right now,

And that’s exactly what the Snapshot helps you start doing.

It reveals your current state like you’ve never seen it before, by using objective evidence that goes way beyond introspection alone.

You don’t need to keep trying harder…

You just need the right tools to see things more clearly - and that’s what opens the door to true transformation, so you can truly…

Live your life on purpose!

Subscribe to Powered by PURPOSE and get free resources not available anywhere else but here!

Sharing is caring!

If this resonated with you then send it to someone who could benefit from it too.

Share Powered by PURPOSE

Additional Resources:

In this episode, we explore why even the most capable leaders can find themselves stuck in cycles of frustration, control, defensiveness, burnout, or self-doubt,

We’ll look at why personality assessments and leadership training are valuable but incomplete, how pressure exposes the places where God still wants to do His deepest work in us, and why the relationship we have with ourselves quietly shapes every relationship we have with those we lead.

Most importantly, I’ll walk you through practical examples that will help you recognize how hidden assumptions, violated expectations, and unexamined interpretations influence your leadership long before any leadership skill has the opportunity to help.

Because before we can lead others more effectively, we must first learn to see ourselves more truthfully.

We’ll cover why leadership often feels harder than it should by talking through:

03:32 – Why leadership exposes what’s happening inside us

06:09 – The difference between personality and perception

08:21 – The question that changes everything

09:56 – One of leadership’s biggest blind spots

11:00 – What personality assessments helped me understand—and what they couldn’t

15:00 – Three common leadership situations that reveal hidden assumptions

17:37 – Why your interpretations become your reality

19:09 – What Moses teaches us about humility and teachability

20:21 – A simple question to begin examining your own leadership lens

20:49 – The next step: Discover what’s driving your leadership with the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot

Why do we know what’s true, yet still struggle to consistently live like it’s true?

Those are some of the questions I answer in this episode, and they’re the heart behind Powered by PURPOSE and the question that launched a decades-long search for answers:

What if the problem isn’t that something is wrong with us...

but that we’re seeing ourselves through the wrong lens?

You’ll discover how this podcast takes a different approach to personal growth - and how it maps back to seeing things through the lens of God’s truth.

So if you’ve ever felt frustrated by the gap between your intentions and your experience, this is where the journey begins.

In This Episode We Explore:

The questions we’ve all asked ourselves

01:50 – The discovery that changed everything

03:15 – Your life is already revealing evidence

05:42 – Why this isn’t another self-help podcast

06:12 – The difference between more information and better interpretation

06:56 – Who this podcast is for & what you can expect each week

07:56 – Your next step: Trying the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot!

If you’re like most people your personal growth journey has likely been fragmented or inconsistent over the years, and I’m willing to bet it’s not from a lack of effort, faith, or good intentions,

It’s more likely because you’ve been misinterpreting yourself.

Viewing your life through a lens created from inherited standards, assumptions, and incomplete information that you’ve never been taught how to examine.

And until that changes, you’ll continue to experience unnecessary friction in the areas that matter most to you.

It’s why your confidence fluctuates, some relationships are strained, decision making can be exhausting, emotional reactions are often disproportionate to the situation, and your direction in life feels scattered.

But fear not! You aren’t broken…

You just need a clearer lens.

And Powered by PURPOSE was created to address that very issue through a faith-rooted approach that gets to the root of all behavior: perception.

Why?

Because our perception shapes everything.

It shapes how we interpret ourselves → others → our circumstances → and even God.

And when it’s distorted everything feels harder than it needs to be:

- Insecurities drive behavior

- Self-condemnation gets projected onto others

- Judgment of others strains relationships

- Feedback feels like a personal attack

- Emotional reactions don’t reflect our intentions

These aren’t personal flaws…

They’re distorted perceptions, and distorted perceptions create unnecessary friction everywhere they show up,

But the good news is - perception can be corrected, and once it is everything else falls into place!

Not overnight - and not through positive thinking…

Through evidence based self-examination.

Because the truth is - how we see ourselves doesn’t stay contained within us, it becomes the lens through which we relate to everyone else.

If we’re impatient with ourselves, we tend to become impatient with others.

If we’re constantly judging ourselves, we often judge others too.

And if we’re unwilling to examine our own assumptions, we’ll struggle to receive correction from anyone - including God.

That’s why this work matters, and that’s why I created Powered by PURPOSE.

Not as another personal development program or productivity system,

And certainly not as another framework that asks you to force yourself into someone else’s definition of success.

This work has a different starting point...

While most approaches focus on behavior first…

The PURPOSE™ Framework is different - since behavior is downstream of perception, we must first address the root causing the symptoms.

So here we start by examining the evidence your life is already revealing, and unpacking the areas where your judgment of yourself (and others) is skewed from inherited standards that are conflicting with your unique hierarchy of priorities.

Because before we can change our behavior, we need to understand what’s driving it,

And before we can fulfill our calling, we need to understand the lens through which we’re viewing it.

And before we can truly renew our minds, we need the humility to examine where our thinking may already be distorted.

That’s what the PURPOSE™ Framework is designed to help you do.

Nothing is skipped. Nothing is forced. Each step builds on the next.

Perceive Yourself Truthfully - Understand how your priorities shape your perception of yourself, others, and God, so you can replace misinterpretation with truthful self-awareness.

Unearth Your Unique Calling - Discover your intrinsic drivers, clarify your calling, and identify opportunities that fit the way you’re uniquely designed to faithfully steward your gifts.

Root Yourself With Intention - Design personalized rhythms and decision-making frameworks that transform clarity into sustainable action.

Purge Your Distorted Perceptions - Through one-on-one facilitated work, you’ll identify and correct the belief distortions creating unnecessary friction, emotional reactivity, and misalignment.

Own Your Next Chapter - Make strategic decisions with greater confidence, clarity, and self-trust.

Sustain Your Capacity - Build systems, rhythms, and structures that support long-term stewardship without increasing pressure.

Expand Your Reach - Amplify your impact through aligned visibility, communication, and scalable systems.

It’s not about becoming someone different,

It’s learning to see yourself, others, and God more clearly through truthful self-examination and renewed perception rooted in God’s truth.

So if you’ve spent years working on yourself but you still don’t fully understand why certain patterns keep repeating, and your intentions and behavior aren’t always aligned,

Then there’s still a disconnect, and it isn’t solved through discipline or motivation because it’s a perception + self misinterpretation problem,

And self-awareness alone isn’t enough if we’re still misinterpreting what we’re seeing.

It’s addressed by Perceiving Yourself Truthfully, and that’s what you’ll find here.

Everything Inside Powered by PURPOSE

is designed to help you move from awareness to → understanding to → application.

Free Subscribers receive:

• Weekly articles & podcast episodes

• Access to the Core Priorities Snapshot

• Practical insights on perception, relationships, faith, leadership, and calling

The free content is designed to help you recognize patterns, identify distortions, and begin seeing yourself more clearly.

Think of it as awareness.

You’ll learn what might be happening and why it matters.

Subscribe for free today and gain access to transformative personal growth + additional free resources not available anywhere else but here.

Paid Substack Subscribers

Gain access to Perceive Yourself Truthfully, a private learning library designed to help you understand the hidden lens shaping your perception.

This includes:

• Private Podcast Episodes & Subscriber-Only Articles

• The Full Core Priorities Assessment

• Reflection & Self-Examination Exercises

• Community Only Q&A Sessions

• An Ever-Growing Library of Teaching Content

The private content moves beyond awareness into understanding.

You’ll learn how your priorities influence your perception of yourself, others, and God - and how that perception affects your relationships, emotional reactions, decision-making, confidence, and calling.

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Get everything included above plus full access to Founded on PURPOSE™.

This is where self-awareness becomes application.

You’ll move beyond understanding yourself and begin translating that clarity into your calling, decisions, leadership, and daily life.

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This is perfect for anyone who:

✔️ Loves Jesus and want to align their life with truth ✔️ Feels an unexplained friction

✔️ Is willing to look inward and answer honestly ✔️ Wants clarity grounded in evidence

This is NOT a good fit for:

❌ Quick motivation seekers ❌ Passive consumers

❌ Anyone unwilling to examine themselves honestly

No matter where you begin, the goal remains the same:

To help you renew your mind, see clearly, and faithfully steward the life God has entrusted to you.

Because faith here is not a decorative overlay.

It’s the restoration of truth to distorted perceptions, so your life and work become increasingly aligned with your purpose and calling.

Romans 12:2 clearly instructs us to be transformed by the renewal of our mind.

But transformation isn’t emotional performance, and renewal isn’t forced positivity,

It’s truthful cognitive correction.

They require humility, self-examination, and a willingness to let truth correct our distortions.

And when that happens... everything else begins to fall into place.

I’m glad you’re here!

- Melody

Subscribe to Powered by PURPOSE and get free resources not available anywhere else but here!

Sharing is caring! If this resonated with you and someone you know has been working hard to grow, but still feels stuck, frustrated, or disconnected from their calling, then send this to them.

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In this episode we’ll explore how many of the conflicts we experience with our spouse aren’t actually caused by the event itself, but by the meaning we assign to it.

Through the lens of perception, projection, priorities, and biblical self-awareness, we’ll uncover why two people can experience the same situation and walk away with completely different interpretations.

Most importantly, we’ll discuss how humility, truthful self-examination, and renewing our minds with God’s truth can transform the way we relate to ourselves, our spouse, and ultimately God.

This Episode Explores:

00:00 — The Hidden Source of Marriage Conflict

01:56 — Why Renewed Minds and Marriages Require More Than Good Intentions

03:28 — Marriage Doesn’t Create Insecurities - It Reveals Them

07:00 — How Our Perception Shapes the Relationship We Experience

08:29 — Who We’re Really Arguing With

11:01 — Where Distorted Perceptions Come From

13:36 — Priorities, Expectations, and the Roots of Misinterpretation

15:26 — Real-Life Marriage Scenarios

17:50 — Shifting From Blame to Self-Examination

19:12 — Humility, Teachability, and the Pharisee Problem

21:13 — What Biblical Love Actually Looks Like in Marriage

23:06 — Self-Love vs. Self-Obsession & Why the Difference Matters

23:50 — The Goal of Marriage

24:31 — Questions to Help You Examine Your Perception

25:12 — A Practical Next Step Toward Seeing Yourself More Clearly

Resources Referenced in This Episode

If you’d like to gain clarity on the core priorities that are already shaping your life, then the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is the best place to start.

Give it a try today to uncover insights you’ve likely never seen before, so you can live out your unique purpose!

But what if our children are experiencing something even more influential than our parenting techniques?

In this episode, I explore how the relationship we have with ourselves shapes the way we relate to our children, often without us realizing it. We unpack where distorted perceptions come from, why so many parents struggle with guilt, frustration, and unrealistic expectations, and how our unexamined beliefs can unintentionally be projected onto the people we love most.

We’ll also explore why Jesus emphasized childlike faith, what the Pharisees reveal about the dangers of rigid thinking, and why humility and teachability are essential for both spiritual growth and healthy parenting.

Because the goal isn’t to become a perfect parent.

It’s to become a more self-aware, truth-seeking, and teachable one.

And that begins by examining the relationship that underpins every other interaction: the relationship we have with ourselves.

In This Episode We Cover:

00:00 – The Thing No Parent Wants to Hear
Your children are experiencing more than your parenting techniques, they’re experiencing your relationship with yourself.

03:10 – Children Experience More Than Parenting Methods
Why kids absorb far more than our rules, routines, and discipline strategies.

05:34 – We Project Our Relationship With Ourselves Onto Our Children
How self-criticism, perfectionism, and unmet expectations become relational patterns.

06:16 – Distortions Aren’t the Problem
Why every parent has blind spots, and why awareness, not condemnation, is the goal.

07:08 – Where Distorted Perceptions Come From
The two factors shaping our self-perception: inherited standards and lived priorities.

10:50 – A Parenting Example of Hidden Friction
How conflicting priorities and expectations create unnecessary frustration and self-judgment.

11:52 – What Is a Distortion?
Defining distortion, moralization, and why defended interpretations become generational patterns.

12:58 – What Children Actually Need
Why humility, correction, repair, and truthfulness matter more than perfection.

13:53 – Childlike Faith vs. Pharisee Thinking
What Jesus’ teaching reveals about teachability, humility, and the danger of rigid perception.

15:23 – Three Everyday Parenting Scenarios
The broken glass, the poor grade, and the emotional meltdown, and what each reveals about perception.

18:04 – Why This Matters Spiritually
How our relationship with ourselves becomes a relational inheritance and shapes how we love others.

20:34 – How to Begin Correcting Distortions
Practical self-examination questions to uncover the assumptions driving your reactions.

21:26 – The Core Priorities Snapshot
Using lived evidence to identify distortions and better understand yourself.

21:42 – The Goal Isn’t Perfection
Why one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is modeling what it looks like to remain teachable.

Resources Referenced in This Episode

If you’d like to gain clarity on the core priorities that are already shaping your life and parenting, then the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is the best place to start.

It assumes we already have a healthy relationship with ourselves.

In this episode, I explore the one relationship we never escape: the relationship we have with ourselves.

Together, we’ll unpack why so many of us struggle with insecurity, comparison, emotional reactivity, relational conflict, and chronic dissatisfaction despite years of personal growth, self-discovery, and self-improvement.

We’ll examine the difference between self-focus and self-love, why modern self-awareness often falls short, and how many of us unknowingly misinterpret ourselves through inherited standards, distorted assumptions, emotional experiences, and incomplete information.

I’ll also share why our relationship with ourselves becomes the lens through which we interpret everyone else - including God - and how that affects our leadership, emotional stability, decision-making, communication, relationships, and ability to live out our faith.

Most importantly, we’ll explore why truthful self-awareness requires more than introspection. It requires learning how to evaluate ourselves through the evidence our lives are already revealing so we can begin replacing distortion with truth.

Because when we learn to see ourselves more clearly, we become better equipped to love others the way Jesus calls us to.

In This Episode We Cover:

02:34 — Why self-love and self-focus are not the same thing

02:34 — The hidden flaw in modern self-awareness culture

06:08 — How we project our relationship with ourselves onto others

05:05 — What 1 Corinthians 13 reveals about loving ourselves biblically

07:19 — Why perception - not intention - often dictates behavior

07:32 — The connection between self-understanding and leadership

07:58 — How distorted perceptions affect our relationship with God

09:19 — Why objective evidence creates deeper self-awareness than introspection alone

Resources mentioned in this episode:

If you’d like to gain clarity on what’s already shaping your life, then the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is the best place to start!

You’ll learn how distorted perceptions are formed through inherited standards, personal biases, and incomplete information - and why those distortions affect not only how we see ourselves, but also how we relate to others and to God.

Together we’ll explore the concept of “self-misinterpretation” as the hidden root of emotional reactivity, relational conflict, chronic self-condemnation, vocational frustration, and spiritual confusion, and why traditional “know yourself” approaches often fall short and how truthful self-awareness begins by examining the evidence your life is already revealing.

If you’ve ever wondered why understanding something intellectually doesn’t automatically translate into experiencing it, this episode will help you see the deeper issue - and offer a path toward greater clarity, renewal, and transformation.

You’ll Learn:

• Why self-awareness requires more than introspection

• The hidden difference between intentions and behavior

• The two primary causes of self-misinterpretation

• Why inherited standards often create internal conflict

• How distorted perception impacts relationships

• What Romans 12:2 really means in practical terms

• Why truthful self-awareness is the foundation for loving others well

Resources mentioned in this episode:

If you’d like to gain clarity on the core priorities that are already shaping your life, then the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is the best place to start because it’s the foundation for the entire PURPOSE™ Framework and mastering your perception.

Chapter Summary:

00:00 — The Hidden Problem - Are You Sure You Really Know Yourself?

The opening challenge: what if you’ve been examining yourself through distorted lenses and unknowingly building your life on a false foundation?

02:20 — The Lie We Believe About Self-Awareness

Why thinking about yourself isn’t the same thing as understanding yourself, and why accurate interpretation matters.

02:45 — My First Therapy Session

The story that started everything: grief, panic attacks, career frustration, and a question that would shape the next two decades.

The Gap Between Intentions and Behavior

04:22 — Why Couldn’t I Live What I Believed?

Exploring the painful disconnect between knowing something is true and actually experiencing it.

05:21 — When Stress Becomes Your Identity

How chronic environmental misalignment led to emotional reactivity, exhaustion, insecurity, and relational tension.

06:20 — The Realization That Changed Everything

The breakthrough insight: the problem wasn’t personal failure—it was self-misinterpretation.

Understanding Self-Misinterpretation

07:56 — The Two Causes of Misinterpretation

A practical framework for understanding how perception bias and incomplete information shape every interpretation we make.

09:08 — Why “Know Yourself” Culture Falls Short

The hidden flaw in modern self-discovery approaches and why more introspection often leads to more distortion.

10:47 — Renewing the Mind Means Correcting the Lens

A practical exploration of Romans 12:2 and how transformation happens through truthful perception, not behavior modification alone.

Relationships Reveal Everything

12:22 — Why Relationships Expose Distortion

How the way we interpret ourselves inevitably shapes how we interpret everyone else.

13:36 — A Different Approach to Self-Awareness

How the PURPOSE Framework uses lived evidence, intrinsic drivers, and perception recalibration to uncover what’s actually governing your life.

14:48 — The First Step Toward Loving Others Well

Why truthful self-awareness is essential to fulfilling the second greatest commandment—and what we’ll explore next week.

In this candid and, dare I say funny, conversation, my sister Amanda and I explore how self-awareness, priorities, family dynamics, and personal development impact everything from relationships and self-worth to mental health and spiritual growth.

Together, we unpack the difference between aspirational values and lived priorities, how comparison distorts perception, and why learning to accept who God created us to be changes the way we relate to both ourselves and others.

We also dig into how the custom AI tools inside the PURPOSE™ Framework help reveal subconscious behavioral patterns in an objective, honest, and deeply transformative way.

Here’s how it plays out:

🎭 ACT 1 - What Your Life Is Actually Revealing

00:00 — The PURPOSE Framework and why your life reveals what truly matters to you

04:55 — How AI tools exposed hidden behavioral patterns and relationship dynamics

09:10 — Priorities vs. aspirational values: the root of self-judgment and comparison

🪞 ACT 2 - Trying to Become Someone You’re Not

17:15 — Burnout, motherhood, career pressure, and trying to become someone you’re not

27:21 — Productivity, money, and attaching your worth to achievement

34:25 — Rediscovering identity, joy, and the freedom to live differently

43:17 — Projection, resentment, and expecting others to value what you value

☕ ACT 3 - Acceptance, Healing Relationships, and Rooting Identity in Truth

52:07 — Healing your relationship with yourself through self-awareness and truth

54:32 — The Frother Story ☕😂

58:07 — Self-love, spiritual growth, and rooting your identity in God

1:02:34 — Using AI tools for structured self-awareness and personal growth

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Penny is inside → Pinpoint Your Intrinsic Drivers - This will identify your core priority hierarchy, personal zone of genius, existing limiting beliefs, and a personalized Purpose Statement that becomes the foundation for everything you do.

You can also work with me one on one where we’ll work through a perception based belief recalibration process designed to:

✔️ Identify the highest-leverage distortion & expose the assumptions sustaining it.

✔️ Correct perception at the root & neutralize emotional charges.

We also unpack why most self-improvement advice fails, and I introduce a data-driven process for identifying your true subconscious priorities, and the power they have to build a life that doesn’t require external motivation because you’re already intrinsically inspired to act.

This episode is especially relevant for:

• High achievers stuck in cycles of burnout

• Entrepreneurs forcing strategies that don’t feel right

• Anyone questioning why “working harder” isn’t working

In this video we cover:

(00:00 – 02:00) Introduction

(02:00 – 05:20) Competence vs Fulfillment

• High performance without inspiration

• Early signs of burnout (boredom, cynicism, emotional erosion)

(05:20 – 07:30) What Burnout Actually Is

• Burnout = layering performance on uninspiring work

• Why discipline can mask misalignment (temporarily)

• The breaking point: when performance no longer sustains you

(07:30 – 10:30) The Problem with Self-Help

• Most advice = copying others + forcing habits

• Surface-level solutions vs root cause analysis

• “Burnout just shifts locations” if the foundation isn’t fixed

(10:30 – 12:00) Discovery of a Real Process

• Finding a structured method for identifying root cause

• Why discipline works naturally in aligned areas

• Difference between aspiration vs true priority

(12:00 – 14:30) How to Recognize Misalignment

• Signs: lack of follow-through, constant need for motivation

• Self-judgment and comparison loops

• Misalignment as the root of inconsistency

(14:30 – 17:00) Aspirational vs Actual Values

• Education system trains conformity, not self-awareness

• Decisions based on ROI vs intrinsic interest

• Importance of evidence-based self-understanding

(17:00 – 19:30) Breaking the Negative Loop

• Comparison → self-doubt → burnout cycle

• What actually creates a “good day”

• Living in vs outside your core priorities

(19:30 – 22:30) The PURPOSE™ Framework

• Data-driven self-awareness vs feelings-based identity

• Introduction to tools: purpose, niche, messaging

• Traits of the greats + belief recalibration

(22:30 – 25:30) Why Affirmations Don’t Work

• Brain rejects what it doesn’t believe

• “Your brain is a BS detector”

• Need for belief-based alignment, not forced positivity

(25:30 – 28:30) Industry Illusions & False Growth

• Self-help/spirituality loops that keep people stuck

• Chasing “feel good” vs solving root problems

• Identity vs temporary emotional highs

(28:30 – 31:00) Perception, Fear & Performance

• Pedestal thinking and subconscious limitation

• Stress = fear of loss or gain

• Importance of perception in growth

(31:00 – 33:30) Aligned Authority

• Difference between confidence vs alignment

• Energy vs depletion

• Knowing vs forcing

(33:30 – 36:30) Entrepreneurship Reality

• Misaligned businesses fail (even if profitable)

• Personal example of forced effort vs aligned flow

• Burnout as a biological breaking point

(36:30 – 38:30) Solopreneur Challenge

• You can’t love every part of business

• Importance of outsourcing based on priorities

• Hiring aligned people vs just filling roles

(38:30 – 40:30) Core Takeaway

• You need to know who you are

• Evidence-based self-awareness vs aspirational identity

• Stop building on a weak foundation

(40:30 – End) AI Tool + Practical Application

• Using AI for pattern recognition and data analysis

• Making self-discovery accessible and actionable

• Final encouragement: take the process seriously

If this conversation resonated with you, here are 3 ways you can get started:

1. Start with clarity - the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is a guided introduction to uncovering the subconscious priorities already shaping your life.

Subscribe now

Plus every Thursday you’ll receive a clarity-first article or podcast episode designed to recalibrate your thinking around truth, so you can build your life with true clarity.

2. Pinpoint Your Intrinsic Drivers - If you’re ready to go deeper now, this will identify your full core priority hierarchy, personal zone of genius, existing limiting beliefs, and a personalized Purpose Statement that becomes the foundation for everything you do.

Tap into Your Intrinsic Drive

3. Address the perceptions holding you back with Purge Misaligned Patterns - a facilitated belief recalibration process designed to:

✔️ Identify the highest-leverage distortion & expose the assumptions sustaining it.

✔️ Correct perception at the root & neutralize emotional charges.

✔️ Stabilize leadership, pricing, and visibility.

This is not motivation - it’s correction - and correction restores your power.

Start Recalibrating

Get more from Melody | Powered by PURPOSE in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

I share my journey from a 20-year corporate career into purpose-driven work, explaining how most people unknowingly build their lives and businesses on misaligned beliefs,

And Grant, who is mental performance coach who works with athletes to build their mental toughness and resilience with proven actionable tools, discusses his approach,

And together we explore how identity, subconscious priorities, and emotional triggers shape performance - especially for athletes and high achievers.

The episode bridges performance psychology, entrepreneurship, and identity work, offering a powerful framework for:

• Discovering what truly drives you

• Breaking through mental plateaus

• Performing under pressure without entering survival mode

• Aligning your life, work, and goals with your natural design

In this video we cover:

(00:00 – 02:30) Introduction & Melody’s Background

• Melody’s 20-year corporate career and transition post-COVID

• Introduction to mindset work → reframed as belief recalibration

• Why traditional mindset work can fail without a solid foundation

(02:30 – 05:30) Mindset vs Belief Systems

• Difference between attitude vs deep belief structures

• The problem with “top 10 business ideas” culture

• Why identity and purpose must come before strategy

(05:30 – 08:30) The Risk of Misalignment

• “Toxic positivity” and forced motivation

• Building a business you end up resenting

• The gap between stated values vs lived behavior

(08:30 – 12:00) When to Recalibrate

• Recalibration triggers: growth, plateaus, new goals

• Parenting, coaching, and developing intrinsic motivation

• Exposure vs forcing outcomes

(12:00 – 17:00) Athletes, Passion, and Performance

• Intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation in sports

• Dangers of pushing talent without passion

• Real-world examples (children vs elite athletes)

(17:00 – 20:30) Breaking Mental Barriers

• “Traits of the greats” framework

• Removing pedestal/pit thinking

• Unlocking performance through belief ownership

(20:30 – 24:30) Stress, Fear & Performance States

• Survival mode vs peak performance mode

• Fear = perception, not reality

• Reframing anxiety as fuel

(24:30 – 27:30) In-the-Moment vs Pre-Game Work

• Why mindset tools alone aren’t enough

• Two-phase approach:

  • Pre-conditioning (belief recalibration)

  • In-the-moment regulation (breathing, triggers)

(27:30 – 31:30) Burnout, Plateaus & Identity

• Recognizing burnout vs misalignment

• Reconnecting with passion

• Transitioning out of identity-based roles (athletes, careers)

(31:30 – 35:30) Identity & Self-Worth

• Detaching identity from titles and income

• Internal vs external validation

• Faith, identity, and subconscious programming

(35:30 – 39:30) Facing Fear Head-On

• Worst-case scenario planning

• Mental rehearsal and emotional desensitization

• Navy SEAL mindset principles (micro-goals, visualization, triggers)

(39:30 – 42:30) Redefining Resilience

• Resilience ≠ enduring suffering

• Resilience = recovery and adaptability

• Neutralizing emotional charge through recalibration

(42:30 – 45:30) Daily Mental Training System

• Morning visualization

• Midday reset

• Evening reflection

• Training the mind like a muscle

(45:30 – 50:00) Alignment & “Perfect Day” Concept

• No universal perfect day—only aligned days

• Living in top 3–5 priorities

• Difference between aspirational vs actual values

(50:00 – End) Education, Burnout & Real-World Application

• School system vs individualized development

• Burnout as misalignment

• Connecting responsibilities to intrinsic motivation

If this discussion resonated, and you’re ready to go deeper, here are 3 ways I can help:

1. Start with clarity - the Core Priorities Snapshot is a guided introduction to uncovering the subconscious priorities already shaping your life, and all subscribers get access for FREE.

Subscribe now

Plus every Thursday you’ll receive a clarity-first article or podcast episode designed to recalibrate your thinking around truth, so you can build your life with true clarity.

2. Pinpoint Your Intrinsic Drivers - If you’re ready to go deeper now, this is a guided discovery process to identify your full core priority hierarchy, personal zone of genius, existing limiting beliefs, and a personalized Purpose Statement that becomes the foundation for everything you do.

Tap into Your Intrinsic Drive

3. Address the perceptions holding you back with Purge Misaligned Patterns - a facilitated belief recalibration process designed to:

• Identify the highest-leverage distortion

• Expose the assumptions sustaining it

• Correct perception at the root

• Neutralize emotional charge

• Stabilize leadership, pricing, and visibility

This is not motivation - it’s correction - and correction restores your power.

Start Recalibrating

Get more from Melody | Powered by PURPOSE in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

FULL Transcript

Grant Chiasson

We’ve got a lot to cover. We’ve got a lot to talk about. I mean, we’re both kind of delved into each other’s worlds in the last month or so and this is exciting. And you know, I think I’m very comfortable in a situation like this - going live, you know, talking to somebody that speaks the same language as me in terms of, you know, we’re all about the mental side and all about the mindset. So let’s just dive into it from the get go. Just introduce yourself in your words and take it from there.

Melody Lacey

Alright. Well I’m Melody Lacey. I spent over twenty years in corporate America leading project teams, multi, multi million dollar website development mostly, although I did start with the Department of Defense. That was a whole different culture. But I really wasn’t happy, you know. I followed the whole recipe for success, and thought I was nailing it and then I was miserable.

So around COVID, I left corporate America and never looked back. tried a few different things and in the process learned a lot about mindset work. And I use mindset as a generic term because there’s a lot of different ways to approach it. And I got trained in a couple of different methods that have just been life changing for me,

So now that’s what I bring to my clients. And as you saw, there’s a hierarchy of priorities, and it was interesting when I did that throughout my own training. That’s the first step in my process. You know, personal development and self-improvement is second in my hierarchy. And that’s funny, because if I look back at my whole life, that is consistent with my whole life, especially as an athlete, which is your main target audience, right?

And so it totally made sense that this was the next step in my career path. So I mean I could call myself a mindset coach from the standpoint of that being such a familiar term for people, but it’s more like belief recalibration because if you do mindset work with a set of beliefs about yourself that aren’t quite accurate, but they’re deeply ingrained in your subconscious, you’re just layering on a a weak foundation.

So the work I do actually comes before layering on mindset work to make sure you’re intrinsically motivated to do whatever it is you’re doing, and if you’re not, how to adjust that so that you’re meeting goals and growing in your life and career.

Grant Chiasson

Perfect. I mean, when I think about it too, it seems like the word mindset became interchangeable with like in my space, like the attitude. You know, you better have the right mindset going to practice today. But that to me you’re using as a word like your attitude, like you’re choosing how you think about it. But knowing now, I mean your entire mindset is just your total belief and shifts towards the big picture and then to the micro goals.

So I think it’s important to distinguish between it. You know, I think the perfect, like you said, my perfect title I would love to be called like a mindset and performance coach. But it’s like you said, you get it mixed up in the terms and mental performance is kind of where we’re at with it. But you know, it’s incredible your journey and what you’ve done and built because for me personally, you know, going through your purpose framework and you know, doing this, I needed this at the beginning, you know, because everybody if you look at YouTube, everybody searching or no, they figured out that you can say if you want to start a business, these are the top ten most profitable in twenty twenty six.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, yeah. It’s all about choosing the right niche.

Grant Chiasson

Yeah I know. And so, you know, if somebody is in a position where they said, look, I know the answer to all of my personal beliefs and problems is probably to start a business, and I want to have control. I want to be in that realm. I just have nowhere to start. I mean, they’ve got to dive into the purpose and identity right away. I mean, what you - what it created for me, and luckily, you know, I’m in the space, like I told you, I understand how to kind of feed it when I need it to to get the right feedback from it. But I mean just to have a full, clear picture of where I stand, what’s my branding, what’s my belief, everything that’s structured in my subconscious, just flowing freely to communicate it to other people. How can I help you? It’s so crucial and beneficial. So yeah, I wish I would have had this from the beginning.

Melody Lacey

That’s why it’s such a foundational piece, right? Because if you’re trying to build like, you know, I’m glad that the term toxic positivity started to be thrown out there because it really can become toxic to try to force positivity where you’re not really feeling it, right? Because that is a fast track to potentially just keeping you misaligned in whatever you’re doing. And if you are someone who is exploring, you know, decentralizing your career,

And you decide that entrepreneurship is something you want to pursue, but you’re not sure what you want to do, you really risk just creating another job you’re going to resent. And then, you know, you’re the one who’s done that at that point. So, you know, you need to figure out how to pivot if you find yourself now doing a job that you hate and it’s your own business. So the way to get ahead of that is to figure out what really you’re meant to do.

I believe that we’ve all been created with a specific calling and part of our calling is to figure out what that is. And we’re not taught how to do that in school. Our school system is set up for us to, well hopefully learn how to learn, but really learn how to take tests and really learn how to fit a mold, and learn how to get to a next step, which usually involves more schooling and then working for someone else.

So there isn’t much in the whole progression there that prepares anyone for entrepreneurship, let alone identifying what it is you really love to do. All of this discipline and motivation work is really just trying to force something that you’re not driven to do already. And there’s something to be said for being disciplined, but everyone is naturally disciplined in the things that they love.

And in something that you love already, you have that. So the whole idea with those first thirteen questions, and the first step of my framework, is to identify what those things are because your life is already showing you proof of what you care about most, and what happens is we’ve all inherited these aspirational values and priorities that we’re trying to essentially live up to.

In my podcast last week I was basically floating the idea for people who aren’t familiar with this work that if I asked you what do you value, what do you prioritize, people get excited. They’ll tell you all about it, right? But then if we take a look at the evidence in your life of how you spend your time… Well, will those two lists match up?

For most people they won’t, because people are trying to ‘be better.’ Well, you have to define ‘better,’ and I think we’re better off looking at the evidence in our life and being who we are and then building on that. Because there are ways to take what you currently value and prioritize, and if you’re not where you want to be, adjusting that. And that’s why belief recalibration is really a more accurate term for what I do, versus like mindset, which can, like we said, be interpreted lots of different ways. But belief recalibration kinda isn’t a familiar term for people.

Grant Chiasson

Right. Yeah. I mean, so I understand so in terms of recalibration, I mean, so look, I’m 33. I’ve had a good 10 plus years of trying to navigate, you know, real life, job, parenthood, fatherhood, all the things, ups and downs, roller coasters. So I guess my question is, how often should I recalibrate? If that makes sense. You know, because right now I’m in a really good spot. So it’s like, what does it take for me to say, okay, it’s time to kind of figure things out again? What do you think?

Melody Lacey

Yeah, well it’s whenever you’re trying to up your game in an area, and meet a goal.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot from the standpoint of what an athlete would need, and at all different ages, so I’ll answer it from that perspective. So I’ve been thinking about the role that you play as a parent and as a coach with a young athlete. So as you know, I homeschool my children, which is not something I ever planned on, but here I am. And you know, now I wouldn’t have it any other way. But the challenge that I run into is not from an education standpoint, it’s from socialization and exposure to things like sports. So I got them involved in cross country in the fall and now track now that we’re in the spring with the local school. And you know they pushed back a little bit.

I was a competitive athlete and so was my husband and we were just very naturally competitive, and just really driven to work hard, to try to win. We both did timed sports - Races. So it’s you against the clock and it’s all about your physical performance, which is like my whole thing. I just love to optimize everything I can. However, my frame of mind back when I was swimming, that was really my biggest sport I was most competitive in.

And I looked at it like if I didn’t win a race, even if I won a race, we’ll talk about that scenario. If I didn’t get my personal best, I was mad. And I had this thing in my head where you’re not taking it seriously enough if you’re not mad when you don’t do well. And here I was the one defining that, especially if it was a personal best situation. And I would just beat myself up over it.

And I know you work with athletes to try to get them beyond that moment, right? So it doesn’t trigger something in them because it absolutely did with me. So now as a parent, I’m looking at my kids and I’m having to push them a little bit to try new things. And so if you take my whole priorities hierarchy, it’s looking at, okay, what are you intrinsically motivated to do? Well, if they answered that right now, I mean running is not gonna show up in their top three and that’s really the zone you want to be in in life but our our hierarchy changes with stages, so now at 13 theirs is different than it’s gonna be at 15 and at 20, 25, right? Just because our stage in life changes so that’s to be expected but there’s gonna be some consistencies. So as a parent or as a coach, knowing what I know, how much do I push them?

Well, the way I look at it is our responsibility is to expose our children to as much as possible because how do you know what you like and what you’re passionate about if you haven’t tried things, right? So if they end up hating it, I won’t make them do it again. But I am going to make them go through a season because, you know, at first they didn’t like practice, but it was because they were out of shape for the first time in their life.

Well, they weren’t in the fall. They’re natural athletes. These girls could be phenomenal in any sport. They’re identical twins and we’re like, we have to get these girls into sports, but they’re just like, if it’s not fun, they don’t want to do it. But they l ended up liking cross country. But that’s coming off of the summer. So they were in amazing shape because they run around all the time. They don’t sit at desks all day.

But track season is in the spring, so it came off of winter. And we skied and stuff, but like they weren’t running around all day. So they were sore. And it was like what is going on? You know, they’re like fit 13 year olds who never felt the soreness of getting into shape. And so they had to get over that hump, and I had to say, all right, this is normal.

So part of it, you know, as a coach and as a parent or teacher, you’re teaching a kid what to expect because our satisfaction in life is really around met and unmet expectations, right? And so where do our expectations come from? We could have a whole live about that, just that topic. But they ended up not really being thrilled about practice and part of it was like on a track, you can see them the whole time. Whereas cross country, if they needed to walk, they’re in the woods, you might not see that.

And so they ended up loving the first meet. They didn’t want to do the meet, but then they ended up loving the meet. And so what’s happening is I’m having all these like little milestones of where keeping them going and exposing them to new things is really key.

Now, if you take an athlete, so you’re working with people who are really bought into their sport, right? And if you’re competing at the collegiate level, you’ve decided I’m dedicated to this sport. But there could have been a lot that led up to that that was external. So as parents, I think we really need to be careful to not push our kids.

So this is where I would find myself like, okay, I need to push you to get through a season to experience something new. Then we can talk about whether or not you like this, because I’m not gonna force you to do something you hate, and I’m gonna figure out how to build grit and discipline in something that you love because that’s really the zone we should be in and that’s the zone we should be aspiring to to get to at every stage in life.

But at the same time you have to see something through long enough to know what you like about it and what you don’t like about it. But if you have a situation where you have a coach, a parent or a teacher who’s really pushing a kid because maybe they have natural talent, but if they hate the sport, that’s gonna cause more damage in their long term psychological and mental health and in their performance because as you and I know our physical performance is arguably more affected by our mental game than even our physical conditioning because the physical conditioning is much easier than the mental game and that’s the work you do. So we have to be careful to not push a kid beyond I push them into something they hate.

So if you were to do the hierarchy of priorities with a kid and find out that this kid or so let’s say a college student, this person’s really not interested in football. Right? He goes to practice, he’s performs really, really well, but if you do the hierarchy, you find out it’s not where he wants to spend his time, because off the field, if he doesn’t care about football, that’s a red flag that this guy isn’t really into it.

So I think that’s the baseline. It’s figuring out if someone is passionate about what they are doing. Now, my mentor has this story he’s told multiple times about this pole vaulter. So in contrast to someone who doesn’t like it, if they found that out in their hierarchy of priorities, he worked with this girl who was just her whole life was pole vaulting. She spent all of her time thinking about it, reading about it, training. If you looked in her room, she had pole vaulting stuff everywhere. She was an Olympic pole vaulter. But she got there because it was pole vaulting all day long. It’s where she spent her mental time. It’s where she spent her physical time. It was in her physical surroundings. Pole vaulting was her life. Now, in a situation like that, you’re not questioning whether or not this person is intrinsically motivated. That’s there.

But if she wants to get to the next level, well now you have to start dealing with the belief recalibration. And that’s the step that I do with one on one work with people is really about getting to the traits of the greats. So what happens is we have these limiters in our minds of like, well that person’s really amazing and we decide why they are, right? Or that person’s really not good and then we kind of look down on them,

And in the process, we’re putting ourselves and the others in pedestals and pits. We’re on the pedestal for this person, we’re in the pit with this person. Now, if you’re trying to get better as an athlete, you do need to study other athletes. So in football, you watch plays, you watch, you know, games, you watch like what a quarterback’s doing, right? Like how did he move? How did he make that judgment of who to throw to and when and whatever,

And that is great, but if in your mind you think I’m not capable of that, well, how do we get over that hump? And that’s the belief recalibration. So first you start with what you did with the questions of identifying are you intrinsically motivated to do this?

Let’s assume yes. If you want to get better, what you do is you run this process for you choose you know, choose maybe if you’re a quarterback, choose five quarterbacks you admire the most. Study their traits and then we run the belief recalibration to show you you actually possess all of those traits. And what it does is it breaks down all the mental barriers that are really holding you back from your peak performance because you realize, this person actually isn’t above me. And what it does is it invites this energy into you into your body and into your mind and your belief system that you’re capable of anything.

And it unlocks talent that was just well locked inside of you when you go through this process. So you know, and you asked how often do we do it? Well, in that case, in an athlete, it’d be whenever they’re training, whenever they realize, I’m not getting past maybe I’m at a training plateau. So you know, then look at all right, what do I need to study?

And then essentially realizing Okay, I actually can do this. And it’s not about positive thinking. It’s a systematic process that really gets into the back of your mind, into your primal brain. And all our stress in our life, all stress comes from fear of losing something you desire or gaining something you’re avoiding.

That’s when the survival part of our brain kicks in. And you don’t want to be in survival mode when you’re playing a football game. You’re not going to have peak performance throwing that ball. So in order to master your life and your skills, you have to go through this recalibration so that you’re not being triggered and you’re not in survival mode. You need to be in peak mode when you want peak performance.

Grant Chiasson

Isn’t there a zone? I’m thinking back to my old psychology books now. It was like that zone of optimal performance where it’s like peak arousal, lowest performance, but like when they when they’re crossing their barriers together, like just enough arousal of that fight or flight to use it as fuel where you have just the right balance to where now you can operate at a high. You remember what I’m talking about?

Melody Lacey

Yeah. Adrenaline itself can make you run away, which you don’t want to do when you need to when you need to charge forward, right? but yeah, it’s a fight or flight and adrenaline can be a fuel for that, But you want to make sure you’re fueling the right behavior. When I say right behavior, that’s being defined by whatever goal the person’s working towards. And in this case, we’re talking about a quarterback, right? So you end up learning there’s been so many studies done that you know, what we perceive as fear when we have a physical reaction to something, there’s actually no discernible difference between that fear reaction that or the like anxiety and the just the vibration we’re feeling in our body and excitement. It’s all mental and how we’re perceiving what’s going on. And you can retrain, you can recalibrate that physical sensation to be a positive fuel for performance, and it’s really powerful.

Grant Chiasson

Yeah. And what you said too is another psychological trigger. I wrote about this on Halloween actually, because it’s called the alter ego effect. To where when you feel like that limiting belief kicks in, just like you said, and you have those anchored like role models and those anchored ones, and if you could like create just pick one of them out of the out of the five, you’d say. And when you feel that arousal.

And then when you feel that tension and that anxiety, which slows you down in your performance, you essentially have some kind of reset or trigger beyond, you know, the deep breath and anchor point to almost tell yourself, okay, wait, what would Tom Brady do in this situation? And it’s almost like you’ve learned so much and taken so much in that you actually have rewired your brain to think like that person. And you slowly, what’s the goal? Calm down.

Just relax, get back to that optimal level of arousal. So the alter ego effect, my mentor Ben Newman, keeps a note card on his favorite number’s forty-four. So he keeps like this secret agent note card thing that says like zero forty-four, like double seven, but he’s forty-four. And he just keeps it on his desk. And he’s like, you know what? When I’m like freaking out, when I’m going through one of those days, I just look at the card, like, okay, wait, what would James Bond do?

And I’m like, I do the same thing with Batman. I’m like, okay, what is Batman gonna do? You know, my mom and I had hundreds of Batman figurines growing up. So okay, this is part of your work which you’ve done to me. I know that I have this hero, you know, subconscious motive to be drawn to the hero as I learned yesterday, going back to what I enjoyed growing up and building things and fixing things. so just the little details that can shift your thought process, affect your arousal, filter out the body. You’re gonna perform at a higher level. It’s plain and simple.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, but I would argue you don’t want to be standing there thinking, what would Tom Brady do? Ideally, you’ve already done the belief recalibration to realize you possess the same traits that Tom Brady possesses, so that in that moment you know what to do. Because you’ve already dealt with that. If you’re constantly thinking, I want to perform like that person, they’re still on a pedestal, which means you’re still viewing yourself as less than. And that actually hurts your performance.

So the work has to be done pre performance moment. Pre-game where you’ve already gotten yourself to a point where you absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt you can perform exactly like that. Now, I mean, there might be physical differences. You still have to do the physical training, right? But the belief recalibration has been taken care of. So you might be like channeling a performance standard.

But at that point, if you’ve done the recalibration, it’s in you. So you don’t necessarily want to be thinking, I want to be like that person. You want to do the work to embody that trait. So now you’re the superhero. You’re as good as Tom Brady, you’re not less than. Where your framework is incredibly powerful, and for anyone who’s watching, Grant has this amazing resource, the Fearless 20. and it’s in the moment work.

So what it helps you do is, so my work revolves around triggers and getting rid of triggers. And so I didn’t use that word yet, because you’re not necessarily triggered by someone you admire, you’re trying to aspire. But the same thing is happening from a brain perspective where what’s happened is you’re triggered to think you can’t do it. You know, you’re less than that person. Whereas an emotional trigger could also be someone who really drives you crazy, right?

And you should maybe work on not letting someone else steal your joy and control your emotions, right? So you can work on so many different issues and triggers. But what your work helps big people with is in the moment, stress management. So that trigger doesn’t happen in the first place. Where you could be in a game where something happens and let’s say it’s catastrophic for the game, right? Or maybe you get injured.

And moving forward, you can heal your body, you can do all the PT, you can do all the training. But if you now have a fear that is stuck in your brain, you now have a trigger too. That’s gonna hold you back. And so the association to that fear. Obviously the triggers associated with something that you’ve grown to know.

You don’t want that to happen again, right? You know, and for I mean, no one wants things like an injury to happen. So if now your plateau is actually lower because you can’t get over it from a mental perspective, and now you’re dealing with a fear based reaction. Your framework is incredible. I so pictured when I was going through it, I pictured myself poolside and I’m like, if I had had this I could have done the breathing and the visualization immediately. That lessens the possibility for a trigger forming in the first place. So I see our work as like two-phase. You need skills for in the moment and for prep, and then you need skills that are like way pre-game, which would be the work that I would do. Make sure this is something you actually want to do.

Grant Chiasson

Well or even just the night before. Yeah.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, I mean it’s even just a night before, but like you’re not I mean, once you learn the skill, you can do it in the moment, but what you offer is more nervous system, right? It’s like nipping things in the bud and not letting your body go into a physical reaction and that, you know, really imprints on our brain because that’s what triggers the survival mode mechanism. And so they really go together so well and you know, if someone’s doing this work, they should be doing all of it, in my opinion, because we have lots of different parts of her brain and they could all use a little work. It’s not just the back. I know, it’s funny that I point there when I’m talking about it.

Grant Chiasson

No, that’s just the cerebellum, the little brain.

Melody Lacey

That’s the one that needs the most well, I don’t know. What happens is when you quiet the survival mode, you know, when you’re not being chased by a bear, right? We need to be functioning more in our prefrontal cortex. And so the belief recalibration really enables that. It enables mastery over your life, your attitude, but your performance, both physically and mentally. Beause anything we’re doing is a mental game.

And you don’t want to be in survival mode, right? I mean, just think of all the negative impacts we have physically from being in survival mode, let alone from a performance standpoint. Well, there’s health issues with that, right? Cortisol and all that. But yeah, I mean cortisol is actually, it gets a bad rep, but that’s just because it’s elevated in people unnecessarily. Cortisol plays an important role in our lives.

Grant Chiasson

Just spike it in the morning and you’ll be fine. I mean, if you spike that cortisol right when you wake up, you’ll be smooth sailing the rest of the day and it’s gonna be a perfect flow.

Melody Lacey

That’s right. Yeah, you just don’t want it spiking like all the time ‘cause then you know…

Grant Chiasson

No, I’ve been doing that. That’s not fun. No, no, that’s not fun. And what I see too, so obviously everything that I dive into when I talk, you know, when they say when you create for your avatar or whatever, perfect client. I just talk to myself when I was twenty years old. And I just say, Okay, here’s where I would have benefited from your framework. I’m at the point now where I’ve convinced myself my brain is in full flight mode. I’ve convinced myself that my body’s burnout. I’ve convinced myself that there’s no way beyond this plateau. There’s no way of getting out of this situation. And the only thing left to do is just run from this. And that led to quitting. And then I quit football. So I can see where, if I was 20 years old and I said, okay, I’m gonna go home for a weekend, I’m gonna get off the phone.

I’m gonna just do a full evaluation of myself, see where I’m at, and then say, okay, I am still in love with the game. I’m still with that passion. I still need to trigger that because that’s gonna motivate my next steps. And then so now you figured it out, you know where you’re at, you understand, okay, this is who I am, this is where I want to go. Now, boom, I would go to Grant Chessall and say, all right.

What’s the next steps? And then we start coming up with a plan of immediate action right now. So it’s being able to overcome the limiting beliefs. And number one, just stop thinking you have to do it all on your own. I mean, they’re right. This is crazy. You know, now I don’t make a decision now without talking to a hundred people, you know. But you know, just to reaffirm what I was thinking, I end up making the decision that I wanted to make, but you know, if I look back at that athlete and I say, okay.

Number one, you’re gonna find out that you’re still in it and you’re still passionate about it. Number two, if not, now you have an avenue to peacefully leave the game. Right. Build your identity beyond it, right? To build to start that next chapter. And that is so important. And I have a great friend. He plays basketball in the Philippines. He talks about he’s like a coach in the transition from athletics to no athletics, And the big gray area is who am I? Who am I? And that’s where an athlete would just absolutely benefit from diving into their purpose.

Melody Lacey

yeah. I mean absolutely. Like for me it was like, Well, who am I without you know, I never put much stock into the title that I had of titles I had throughout my corporate career. I enjoyed the income, which is what kept me there. Those are the golden handcuffs that kept me there so long. but you know, when you start doing your own thing and you know, you forego the income at least for a while, certainly the steady paycheck as a W-2 employee versus being self employed. You really start to realize, my God, I think I really did have more tied into my identity of who I am, what I do, and then I realized the title was actually a surprising part of that for me.

I didn’t even know how ingrained that was until I got to that layer of my own recalibration work. And then the paycheck, like is my worth actually tied to my income? You know? And as a Christian, I would say no. But then I realized, wait, there’s actually something to unpack there because do I really believe that? No. But is my brain still kind of functioning from that perspective? yeah. So that is something I needed to work on.

So there can be a real disconnect between who we think we’ve been, who we think we are. And if you know if you have a religious belief system, you’re probably putting yourself in perspective of that belief system, right? But that doesn’t necessarily translate to how we function in our daily life and the programs that are running in our brain, which is where this work is so valuable.

Because it can create a link between who we really are, which, you know, with my identity in Christ, I know who I really am, but do I believe it? You wanna make sure that connection’s there, because then that provides peace beyond positive thinking. Positive thinking’s not gonna get you there. It’s only gonna get you so high.

Grant Chiasson

Where’s my book? I’m getting into a lot. The power of negative thinking, Bob Knight. And it’s like yeah, all we talk about positivity, positive mindset, and I’m all for it. But you better face your fears and you better label them. And you better say, okay, wait. What’s the worst that could happen? And that’s what this whole book is about. What’s the worst that could happen? And then prepare for it. And then relentlessly prepare for that.

And that’s where he gets with negative thinking.

Melody Lacey

Dale Carnegie wrote a book called ‘How to stop worrying and enjoy your life’ and it is about dissolving the stress response by immediately making peace with the worst case scenario of any situation and how liberating that is.

Most of the time the worst case scenario doesn’t actually happen, but now you’re prepared for it. So anything that happens that’s less than that worst case scenario, you’re already good with, right? So that’s a really powerful way to deal with, you know a lot of stress we deal with.

Grant Chiasson

Yeah. And to get it out of your head. You know, don’t just sit there on your phone and think about, man, if this happens tomorrow, man, that’s gonna suck. You know, like you got you gotta be physical with it. You gotta get a pen and paper out. You could crumple the paper up right after, but you gotta get a pen and paper out and say, If this happens, then I’ll do this.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, it’s not dwelling on. That’s different.

Grant Chiasson

You know, I go back to a story of a kid who was a senior in high school. It was the state baseball tournament. This is a couple years ago. This guy was an incredible athlete. And he was going through a slump in the playoffs. And it was like the semifinal game. And he was 0 for 4. At the bottom of the last inning, down one. Maybe tied. He was 0 for 4. And it was like two outs. What’s gonna happen?

And just like in slow motion, I can still see it like I’m watching it today. Made con just enough contact, swung, popped it right over the shortstop’s head, winning run comes in, we win. So they go to the state championship and they win the state championship. So after all the dust settled, I went up to him. I said, man, look, you know I’m diving into this stuff. I was fresh into like mental performance and just diving into performance psychology. I said, what was going through your head?

And he said, you know, I didn’t say don’t strike out again. I said, you’re due for one. Let’s make contact.

Melody Lacey

Right, odds are he was gonna hit it, right?

Grant Chiasson

Yes. Yes. Instead of him saying what is the worst case scenario. So now I tell athletes, I say, I t when I tell that story, I say, You need to see yourself in that worst case scenario the night before. You’re 0 for four, there’s two outs and your team needs you to get a hit, how are you gonna respond? And then just sit with that. And just sit with it. Just sit with the feeling like your gut’s gonna turn upside down and just sit with it and then say, Time out, okay. Secondly, what if I do strike out and lose the game for them?

Okay, like let’s just go through it. Of course it’s gonna suck, season’s over, everybody’s pissed, but at the same time, like the sun still comes up. You can move on to the next chapter. Right. That’s how it was meant to be. So just rehearsing it all and just having that mindset. I mean, it’s so powerful. And this whole week, sneak peek, tomorrow I’m dropping my article on the Navy SEALs and the mindset. And the psychologists that came in, they narrowed it down to four aspects of what it would take to increase graduation rates because there was a higher need for seals at the time and they were all just tapping out like this is nuts. So he they said it came down to micro goals, it came down to visualization, mental imagery, rehearsing it over in their head.

It came down to the self-talk and then teaching them about triggers where, you know, don’t think like every second of the day, I gotta do this for my kids. You know, the ones like that. Yeah, yeah. Wait until that moment where you’re on the brink of total disaster and say, okay, I need that trigger right now. Boom. See the kids holding you, walking off of a plane. You just save somebody’s life because of the extra training and what you did in the field. And then boom, here’s that shot of adrenaline. They finish what they got to do and keep going.

Melody Lacey

Right, ‘cause what we’re actually trying to develop is resilience, right? Resilience I feel like has been kind of I don’t know, misused. It’s not our ability to stay in a bad situation and tough it out. It’s our ability to bounce back stronger and to not let things tear us down quite as much. And so you know, with the recalibration work what we would do, in everything you just described is and in the worst case scenario. So you’re right, you touched on this a bit. If you are running through a worst case scenario, you people run the risk if they don’t know how to do this work properly, of letting that actually consume their minds, right? They might start dwelling on that and reeling on that. And instead of it freeing them, it would become a hindrance.

Whereas the recalibration work I do, you’re looking at the benefits and drawbacks across a whole range of very specific questions that look at they’re challenging. They’re like, what’s the drawback of this going well? And what’s the benefit of it not going the way you want it to? And you’re neutralizing the charge that would hold you back from peak performance so that your body and your mind are no longer hindered from performing at their peak level. and so it’s not just a matter of, okay, it probably won’t be as bad as the worst case, and like, you know. It’s okay, even if that really did happen, there would be so many benefits in that happening, and so really nothing bad, so to speak can happen in any scenario.

And so if you release yourself from all of that emotional drama, then you really can bring out the most in whatever it is you’re trying to do. Which, and especially when it’s sports, we’re talking about a physical per performance but also the mental game. But the mental applies to everyone, everywhere, all the time.

Grant Chiasson

Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I that’s why I tell one of my biggest selling points is, you know, where when you think of, you know, the way I practice in sports psychology or the rap that you would get from, you know, the perceived sports psychologist in a movie or something where, you know, it’s those weekly one to one sessions, got the clipboard and all that. Yeah. Yeah. Right, right, right. Tell me about life, like look, yeah. Every day, non negotiable, when you wake up

You’re gonna tie into your goals. You’re gonna think about what motivates you and your passion. And then you’re gonna fast forward, you’re gonna close your eyes and feel the emotion as if you felt what you would get from accomplishing that goal, that big scary goal. What’s it gonna feel like and see that? Yeah.

Correct. Just wake up and start the day with that. Midday, get a reset, get a box breath, recalibrate the nervous system. End of the day, reflect on the wins. What can I improve on tomorrow? And go. And if you do it the right way, like every single day, I mean you’re you’re gonna build the resilience. There’s just there’s just no evidence to show that you’re right. There’s just no evidence to show that that won’t possibly be that it won’t be ineffective.

There’s just nothing to show that. It’s proven.

Melody Lacey

That’s what training is. You know, I mean it’s easy to look at like a Navy SEAL, like so I’m excited to read your article tomorrow. But you know, it’s not like that these Navy SEALs at five years old were somehow like, you know, already on the track to being a Navy SEAL ‘cause they were so amazing in the face of danger and distress. But through the course of their life they were probably predisposed to handle stressful situations well. And if someone goes into the program they’re certainly inviting that kind of challenge into their life. And it’s because they believe that they can overcome challenges, right? But when someone’s in combat or in a life or death situation, your ability to do what you’ve been trained to do instead of freeze, or maybe sometimes you should freeze, right? Maybe you should be hiding. I mean there’s all different things that they’re trained to do in a life or death stressful combat scenario. And so in order for someone like that to be able to perform over and over again, they can’t be taken down by any one situation, right? They have to be able to do it again tomorrow or next week or whatever, right? And the mental toughness that they develop is through training.

I mean we can’t be caught in these situations with now I need to run this fourteen step process like that’s right in front of us. The training has to be done, you know, to whatever level it needs to be the need is, right? So earlier I was talking about the traits of the greats, like that’s something you would work through, you know, systematically, when you when you’re focusing on that, right? That’s not like an on the field type training exercise.

But then on the field, that’s where you know the box breathing and calming the nervous system comes into play. And it all counts. And you know, anything we’re good at, we’re training for. We’re training our brain and our bodies for whatever it is we do on a regular basis. And you know, if you’re a chef, you train. You’re cooking. Right? I mean my family teases me all the time. Melody’s always training and it’s just my nature, right? I’m always just trying to get…

Grant Chiasson

And you just say, and that’s why I’m a beast. And say, Take note. That’s why you say that. That’s the first response you see to that.

Melody Lacey

Well, it’s just you know, we don’t get better at things by accident, right? So if you really want to get better at anything, you need to look at what it’s gonna take and then do the work. And that’s what you and I are trying to help people with from a mental standpoint. A mental toughness standpoint. And the work is so powerful. It’s been really life changing for me and I’m happy to be able to bring it to others.

Grant Chiasson

absolutely. I mean, that’s part of the mission. you know, what I learned when I trained with Ben, he said for you to have a perfect day, if you to just have a perfect day in this system, what I’ve seen with the high performers, high achievers, what I coach, he said you need to have one task that makes you a better person, one task that improves your business, or if you’re an athlete, your athletic, you know, profession, you know, a lot of professional athletes with him or your craft.

And you need to give back to somebody else. That’s it. Three three domains of a of a perfect

Melody Lacey

So everyone’s hierarchy of priorities are revealed in the questions they ask you. And in that case, his hierarchy was revealed in what he said it to you. Those are clearly the things that are most important to him. Now, for someone else, it might be a little different. Maybe it’s being able to withdraw for a little bit and recharge in that way.

Grant Chiasson

See I would count that as personal development though.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I mean, those are big buckets you just listed. And I’m not actually, it sounds like maybe I’m countering those and I’m not. I’m just trying to make the connection between what one person values and what another person values in terms of their priorities. And that is you can easily see it in others because like the questions, like if I say, How’s your family? Well, right there you know how much I value family.

Because we talk about and we think about the things that are most important to us, and that’s gonna be different for everyone. And so a perfect day for one person versus another is totally perception based, and our perfect days are how aligned we are with our top three to five priorities. And that’s what you know the work you did through my program, those thirteen questions reveal.

And you’ll realize that if you’ve gotten through a day and you’ve really only hit like priority seven, eight, and nine, you’re dragging. You’re not feeling inspired. You’re not feeling any natural energy. But when you’re in the top three to five, it doesn’t even really matter what happened that day. If those are being fulfilled in some way, you feel great. And you know, we all experience this. We just don’t necessarily know what to attach it to. And that’s what the questions help reveal.

And you know, if we talk about your perfect day, it could be aspirational and then you’re always let down by it. When you realize the times you feel the best are actually when you’re functioning within your highest priorities. And so addressing that gap is really powerful for people. but yeah, you’ll hear it in other people of, this is my best day. And it’s and you weren’t saying this. You weren’t saying, my day should be the same as that person’s best day. But there are buckets for sure that we all need filled. They’re just filled in unique ways because no two people have the same set of priorities. And I’m talking subconscious priorities, you know, that’s what I’m always trying to help people understand is there’s the aspirational priorities, what we think we value, and then there’s what our life really demonstrates.

Grant Chiasson

Yeah, I have this smile on my face because I’m just thinking about the perfect day of my students when I was a teacher. And maybe you can confirm this being the mother of 13 year olds, but I’m just thinking of my perfect day, 33 years old, like wake up, get some sunlight, exercise, get some cold, just deep breathing, get to get to writing for an hour and a half, get a walk, get some work done, communicate, network, read a little bit and then you know go walk the family and then I think about a lot of my students like their perfect day is just waking up and just praying that they get a text that school is canceled and then staying in bed for the entire day and and just hibernating.

Melody Lacey

Homeschooling’s really different. because it well, I provide a personalized education. I’m not forcing everyone into a mold, And so I think that my job as a parent is to I mean, I have to teach the fundamentals. So if you don’t like math, too bad. You have to be able to function in the world. But at the same time, if you can show a kid where math helps them meet their highest priority, ‘cause you wanna you wanna know that even at thirteen, right? A kid that wants to stay in bed all day, that’s probably a stress response. Because by day if that kid was allowed to do that for a couple of days on end, they’d get out of bed on their own and they’d start doing the things that naturally.

Grant Chiasson

Definitely a sign of burnout just because like you could tell it’s like mid semester and look, I get it. I’ve been there too. But yeah.

Melody Lacey

Well, they’re sick of being told what is important when if that’s and that would mean that there’s a huge disconnect between what they’re being told to do and forced to do versus what naturally inspires them. So there’s so many applications of what I do. So you know, talking about niching down and figuring out your audience, the work that I do applies to literally anyone. I mean, I could choose any avatar because it’s applied to every aspect of life, every every type of person, and it’s used in schools. So there’s a lot of people who use it in schools and you know the ADHD term is thrown around a lot and really you know my mentor has kind of dispelled that as so this woman came with this case of my kid yeah all he thinks about is hockey.

We can’t get him to pay attention. He’s moving in his chair all day long. We can’t get him to focus in school. And this facilitator, who does the same type of work I do, worked with all the parents and the teachers and basically proved to them that they’re no different. This kid there’s not anything wrong with this kid, ‘cause when you when he started teaching them, so what he did is he reversed it and he had the kid start teaching this group of people all about hockey for a couple hours. This kid was teaching them all about the things that he’s learned about with ice hockey. They start moving in their chairs, they start looking at their phones, they start gazing on he’s like, look at all the people in here who have ADHD. Right? And so like I have the opportunity to to tailor what I’m doing to the interest of my kids, but then yes,

So what he ended up doing is helping those parents and teachers link the subjects that you know we have to learn regardless, even if they’re not inspiring. But to hockey. This is how it serves your highest priority. That’s cool. This is what you care about the most. And so when you start making those links, people get on board for things that they weren’t when they couldn’t see the connection, and so the point of the exercise that that facilitator did was to show them there’s nothing wrong with the kid.

Grant Chiasson

That’s cool.

Melody Lacey

Because there was actually nothing wrong with you. You just weren’t interested in hockey. But when we can make those connections, we unlock, you know, our ability to learn things that we previously didn’t think we were interested in, but it’s because of the way they’re presented. And there was a disconnect in our brain that it wasn’t serving us. And if it’s serving your highest values and priorities, well it’s like it’s like almost a magic wand. You’re like, all right, I’m on board. I’m in.

Grant Chiasson

I just think I found a magic money wand. My brain is churning right now thinking about a workbook that is football themed that teaches math and reading and science and social studies. And I’m like, my gosh. Like this is.

Melody Lacey

Studies have been done around like video games, right? So there’s been like a pain point for parents for years, right? all my kid wants to do is what is play video games. And you know, a kid who wants to get really good at gaming might end up being interested in software development. And if that kid realizes, well I have to learn how to code, which requires math skills and reading skills, that kid’s gonna learn it.

We will pursue learning anything it takes to meet the goals that we are really naturally driven towards because we’re naturally inspired to do it. But when you’re forced to do something you really don’t care about, it’s just harder. And so you have to be able to make those connections and and that’s like central to the to the work I do in terms of application for for others and it’s what I’m

Constantly navigating with my kids. I mean, you know, they’re not necessarily excited about every topic we’re learning about, but again, you have to as a parent and a teacher, you have to balance exposure and then feeding passion. But with a kid, you’re also the exposure is what will help you identify the passion. I mean, unless they’re exposed to things, how do they even know what they like, right?

Grant Chiasson

That’s true too. Right. Yeah. I mean, that’s why when you think about, you know, the ones who, like you said, like just thinking about school. Like even for me, I mean, a meat head quarterback, I was like, I hate school, but I am obsessed with football and like I’m counting down the minutes till practice at two thirty, you know, and but in the combination of those two, it was like, Okay, well, high school is not bad.

It was just thinking about it from that perspective. But I love the I love the thought process of finding ways and just challenging teachers to do that to find passion mixed with learning and

Melody Lacey

Teachers in a classroom are dealing with a very real challenge of crowd control. Right. And it’s really hard to provide a personalized education to thirty kids with one teacher. so I get the challenge. It’s one of the reasons I just opted out of that. It’s a really big challenge that educators have to get creative about addressing. But as a parent, you could take this process and what you do to link, like, say, let’s just use the math

Let’s use math football ‘cause that’s what were that’s where your mind went with making

Grant Chiasson

I’m just I’m just seeing dollar signs about this workbook…

Melody Lacey

Right. Your kid’s gonna be a math whiz and a football star. But if you can show a kid, all right, here you basically you do the benefits and drawbacks of how the math skills will make them a better football player. Yes. And so it’s a specific process. It’s not just like, yeah, I mean I guess I don’t know. That would be a that would maybe be a stress, like or a a stretch to just dream up and that’s why there’s a process for doing it. Right. Because what you ultimately are doing is you wouldn’t link it just to football. You would link it to that athlete’s top three priorities and say, This is how math is serving you. This is how not knowing math is gonna keep you from fulfilling your highest priorities in life. And then it’s like BAM, your brain gets on board.

Grant Chiasson

You have to have a why. You have a why instead of why are you doing this to me? You know? Yes. Why are you doing this to me? And I used to like making that connection too, trying to make them think a little bit different. man. For sure. We can talk about this for hours. I mean, yeah. So look, Melody, I don’t want to keep you any longer. I mean, this has been incredible. You know, this the work that we’re doing, the work that you’re doing is super beneficial.

I can’t wait to cut these into little shorts and send it out everywhere because people need to see and know. You know, a mentor said this Tuesday, he said, you know, we’re always worried about growing the business and getting the next customer and the next lead. But it just comes down to talking, being present, having the relationships. And he said, just imagine before you get a little exhausted thinking about, you know, putting out that extra post or putting out that extra content or making that extra direct message, whatever it might be.

Said, what if tomorrow that message, that content, that piece gets across that one person that is just desperately waiting for a melody to come into their life to help them get over that barrier? And it’s like, my gosh, okay, yeah, let’s go. Let’s get after it. Like it’s just purpose. Yeah.

Melody Lacey

You know what’s interesting is when I was first introduced, I guess it was maybe the second round, of the method that I now facilitate. I was active in an online session with hundreds of people, but I was interacting with the facilitator and he asked what do you hate about doing your business? I’m like, the marketing. my god, I hate the marketing, right? ‘Cause you know, as you when you end up being a solopreneur

Now you can still outsource, right? Like you can hire agencies. In fact, I’ve managed marketing agencies. I worked in marketing departments, but it was doing, you know, website development projects. But again, I was managing the C suite and I was not doing that work, But what you see in that scenario, just kind of side note, is that there are different people and whole teams doing the work that you end up doing single handedly as a solopreneur. So for anyone feeling stressed by that, it’s a big job.

Well, so the guy looks at me and goes, Well, what if you didn’t hate it? And I was like, I can’t even imagine that. I can’t even imagine not hating it. No, he’s Yeah. And he kept saying it and I was like, Well, I guess I wouldn’t hate it. Like I guess it’d be better, it’d be easier. And you know, he was basically leading me into doing the benefits and drawbacks work on that.

Grant Chiasson

It’s unfathomable.

Melody Lacey

But what my mentor is constantly driving home is, you know, you’re not gonna be intrinsically inspired to do every aspect of your business. I mean, there’s just too many different functions and skills you need, right? And if we’re talking about like really functioning in our top three zones, it probably has very little to it maybe you have some priorities that fall into a marketing bucket, right? Like maybe you love maybe you love creating videos, right? Like some people really love that. I don’t but some people do, right? So that part of your business probably comes really naturally to you.

But maybe you aren’t good at the finances, right? He really drives home outsourcing the things you don’t like and the things you’re not intrinsically motivated to do because they’re not in your top hierarchy of your priorities, and find people where those things are their top three. Because then everyone wins.

The person that you hire, and you know, a lot of times, you know, we’re dealing with financial constraints as solopreneurs starting new businesses, right? But he’s like you’ll get a return far beyond what you are paying when you hire the right people. If you hire the wrong people, you’re losing money. You’re losing money out of the game. You hire the right people, they’re producing way beyond what you’re paying. And the way that you know is, you know, I have this process of

You pretty much have to prove to yourself that they are functioning within their highest priorities because they’re gonna perform like rock stars because they love it, they’re motivated to do it, it’s not just a job for them, it’s a passion, and that’s what you really want. For every aspect of your business and other aspects of your life, you want a team who’s functioning in their highest values every day. Because then they’re bringing it, they’re gonna be the best.

And you know, that’s how we fill gaps. And so there’s I said there’s so many applications of this method. I mean, it’s used in the corporate setting all the time. I mean companies put together like values and missions statements whatever, that’s bullshit. You can’t have it at a company level. I mean, yeah, that can be aspirational, you can try to convince people, but people function at their individual level.

And until you can tie into that as a manager and make sure people are in the right roles, people are always going to be underperforming and they’re going to be there just doing a job instead of feeling inspired by the work they do. And when you’re inspired by the work you’re doing, there’s no stopping you, right? And so the application for a solopreneur is just finding those people to fill those gaps so you don’t have to be everything to everyone all the time because that’s just not possible.

But what it’s gonna do is it’s gonna distract you from the things you really are inspired to do. And you’re gonna end up feeling drained and depleted instead of inspired and energized. And you know, when you’re doing something you love, you can do it all day long. You don’t even get tired. Right? You have more energy at the end than you had at the beginning. But when you’re not inspired, it drains you in the first five minutes. And well, even beforehand, because you’re probably dreading it.

Grant Chiasson

Right. It’s like getting into a cold plunge. It’s like, my gosh, why am I doing this again? And then once you get out of it, it’s like, yeah, okay, cool, yeah. That’s good. All right, it was worth it. So good. Well, awesome. Look, Melody, can’t thank you enough. We’re gonna have to do this again. We’re happy to this again. This is so awesome. We everybody who’s tuning in, I see we got ten people. I mean, look, thank you guys for listening and watching. this is gonna be on my mindset Monday post that I’ll try to collaborate with Melody that we’ll do on Monday, try to get that in there. But either way, best place to reach you, Melody, right now.

Melody Lacey

Well, I mean everyone’s joined on Substack, so check out my Substack and if you subscribe you’ll be on my email list. I’m a little late on today’s podcast, but I’ll get that l out later today. But I try to publish something every Thursday and then of course, you know, daily notes from my brain on the Substack Yeah. But on my profile is my link to my website where you can learn more about the various products that I have and basically other groupings of self serve tools and then working with me one on one. Perfect. But thank you, Grant.

Grant Chiasson

This was great. This has been great. Awesome. Well definitely benefit from this, learned a lot and looking forward to talking to you. Likewise. All right.

Melody Lacey

Yeah, sounds good.

But if you actually look at how you spend your time, your energy, and your attention… your life might be telling a very different story.

In this episode, we unpack the hidden gap between your aspirational priorities and your lived priorities - and why that disconnect is the real reason you feel inconsistent, frustrated, or “off track.”

Because the issue isn’t your discipline.

It’s that you’re measuring your life against standards you’re not actually living by.

We’ll walk through how to start identifying what’s really driving your behavior using the evidence your life is already revealing - so you can stop judging yourself unfairly and start building from what’s actually true.

Because before you can grow, change, or live more faithfully, you need an honest starting point.

In this episode, we cover:

• [00:00] What do you say matters most?

• [02:47] The gap where frustration begins

• [04:00] Why this gap creates self-condemnation

• [04:55] Looking honestly without judging yourself

• [05:26] Faith, truth, stewardship, and growth

• [06:35] Before fixing discipline, ask this question

• [07:21] What to actually examine

Resources mentioned in this episode:

If you want help identifying your actual priorities, you can explore the Core Priorities Snapshot FREE tool to get started.

And in the next episode, we’ll go deeper into why you think you know what matters to you - but don’t see much evidence of it in reality.

I’d love to know how you prefer to consume your content, so please fill out the poll below and let me know!

PLUS - here are some articles to catch up on if you haven’t seen them already ↓

A bit about my backstory and the trap of trying to do everything ‘right.’

Sometimes God isn’t asking you to stay grateful where you are - He’s asking you to trust Him for what’s next.

You’re not lazy, undisciplined or broken… and you certainly don’t need more motivation ‘hacks!’

Gain access to transformative personal growth + free resources not available anywhere else but here.

This article was originally published here.

Most high achievers can relate to the struggle of overcoming the fear of failure,

But the subconscious fear of growth and gain are rarely discussed,

And they’re more powerful than people realize, because on the surface…

Growth is what you want,
Gain is what you’re working toward,
And expansion is the goal!

But underneath that desire something else is often happening without your permission:

Your subconscious is protecting you from the perceived threat of change,

Because the reality is that all change - even positive change - gets flagged as dangerous.

Not because it is…

But because it requires something new that can’t be overcome with discipline,

Because it has nothing to do with our commitment or capability,

It’s that our perception hasn’t caught up with what’s becoming available to us as we grow.

So our brains respond with resistance in the form of:

Hesitation, overthinking, or a subtle sense of friction that we can’t quite explain,

So let’s dig into what’s really going on, and how to overcome it.

The fear of growth is actually an identity conflict.

It’s what happens when you’re evolving into a new role,

While still identifying with an outdated version of yourself,

Because you haven’t fully owned who you’re becoming.

And when that disconnect exists, everything feels heavier than it would be otherwise.

I experienced this firsthand when I started marketing my services.

For a time I was feeling stuck between two versions of myself:

The version from my past corporate career…

And my current role as a belief recalibration facilitator.

The problem wasn’t my expertise, it was my perception.

My subconscious identity was still anchored to who I used to be,

And that gap created tension in how I positioned my work.

There was a disconnect between the value of the transformation people experience,

And my perception of my role in facilitating it.

But here’s what’s crazy -

As much as we talk about not being shackled to titles in life,

There was true power in clearly defining my new title,

Because it wasn’t just about what I do now…

It’s about who I am, and what I have to offer now.

And once I reorganized everything around that title it brought me into the alignment I help others find,

And it allowed me to fully embody my new role inside my offers, my messaging, my pricing, and my positioning.

And with that…

The tension disappeared.

Because here’s what actually happened:

Our brain resists identity shifts because it’s designed to keep us consistent with who we’ve been,

So when we evolve and step into something new there’s a lag because our perception hasn’t caught up with our new reality.

Which means you have to lead the shift,

NOT wait for it to feel natural.

You need to decide who you are, and act accordingly.

This is a key step for identity realignment.

And retraining your brain is as simple as saying it out loud, with conviction.

Claiming and owning the role - even before it feels fully comfortable.

Because before you can convince other people,

You need to train your brain by showing it:

“This is who I am now.”

And the more you act from inside that new identity, the more you become it,

Until eventually the tension dissolves because your perception caught up!

Which is powerful, but sadly identity is only one side of this perception trap…

The second layer of resistance is sometimes even heavier, and it’s:

The fear of gain.

Which often shows up consciously as the fear that you won’t be able to handle what comes with your new identity. Things like:

More responsibility - Greater visibility - New challenges - and Higher expectations (both internally and externally).

But again, these are perception issues,

Because what you’re doing is prematurely evaluating your future capacity through the lens of your outdated identity.

Which means your judgment is inherently incomplete.

You’re trying to assess what you’ll be able to handle…

From a version of yourself that hasn’t fully expanded yet - and that just isn’t fair, or accurate.

I faced this challenge too.

When I restructured my business around my one-on-one work it exposed my fear around the scalability challenges of trading my time for money (which is something most entrepreneurs are trying to avoid).

So I had to make a decision…

Do I hold back because I don’t have a current solution for a future ‘problem,’

Or do I move forward in alignment with the transformation process I’m so passionate about bringing people…

And trust that I’ll be equipped for that challenge when it arises?

This is where my connection to my calling and my faith were essential.

Because growth isn’t just about building something externally,

It’s about becoming someone internally.

And that requires trust - not just in ourselves…

But in God.

Because we’ll never have everything figured out in advance,

And we can’t let our fear create an over-reliance on our own understanding,

Or wasted energy trying to solve problems before they even exist.

We simply need to take the next aligned step and Solomon’s advice to:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5–6

Because the truth is when we’re stuck viewing things from who we used to be,

We’re terrible judges of what we’re capable of handling.

But we can trust that when we’re faithfully following what God’s called us to do,

He’ll equip us to handle whatever comes our way as he develops…

Our Leadership Capacity.

Because by now you’ve likely picked up on the fact that:

The fear of growth isn’t about growth, and

The fear of gain isn’t about gain.

They’re about how you perceive yourself,

And how you evaluate what you think you’re capable of,

And they’re both rooted in the fear of change.

And when change requires you to:

Let go of who you were,
To step into who you’re becoming,
And trust what you cannot yet fully see…

Your subconscious perceives that as a threat and throws up resistance to hold you back from what you’re capable of.

But when you pair recalibrating your perception with trust in God,

Everything shifts.

Growth is no longer threatening,

And gain no longer feels overwhelming,

Because you come to understand that you’re not being asked to handle everything right now,

You’re simply being asked to take the next step.

And when you do…

You’ll have the capacity required to truly own your new role,

And accomplish feats your old self never could have dreamed of, so you can…

Live your life on purpose!

Subscribe to Powered by PURPOSE and get started with free resources not available anywhere else but here!

Sharing is caring! If this resonated with you and someone you know has been working hard to grow, but still feels stuck, frustrated, or disconnected from their calling, then send this to them.

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Gain access to transformative personal growth + free resources not available anywhere else but here.

This article was originally published here.

Entrepreneurs don’t usually struggle because they lack ambition.

If anything, it’s the complete opposite.

We care deeply about what we’re building,
And we think things through because we want to make the ‘right’ decisions.

But there’s a subtle shift that can happen in that process.

What starts out as responsibility can quietly turn into fear.

But that fear doesn’t always look like fear.

Instead it often sounds more reasonable, like:

I’m just being thorough…

I need to get the timing right… and

I don’t want to make the ‘wrong’ move.

But underneath those thoughts there’s often something deeper driving the hesitation.

The fear of loss.

When that fear takes hold the stakes start to feel higher than they actually are,

And every decision carries immense weight because the perception of the risk has inflated.

This is why:

• Raising your prices feels dangerous,

• Clarifying your positioning feels limiting, and

• Letting go of something misaligned feels irresponsible.

And so you pause… analyze… and wait…

And this is where ‘the perception trap’ forms.

Because the more you try to avoid loss…

the more you delay the very actions that create growth.

So opportunities pass you by, your momentum slows down,

And eventually you find yourself stagnant, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid in the first place.

Avoid the Perception Trap

I’ve lived this out in a very real way.

For years I stayed in misaligned corporate roles because on the surface they all made sense.

The salaries were high and the benefits created a sense of ‘security,’ because at the time things like private insurance wasn’t even an option,

So leaving didn’t feel like just a career decision, it felt like a risk to my family’s stability.

And I take that responsibility seriously.

But over time it became clear that I was holding onto those jobs out of fear;

And that fear kept me in places I had outgrown,

Until I reached a point where I had to make a decision…

Not based on certainty, but based on trusting that God would provide.

After taking a leave of absence and doing some deep soul searching and prayer,

I stepped out in faith and resigned from a six-figure job without having another one lined up and I placed my security fully in God’s hands, and boy did He deliver.

Shortly after resigning a new opportunity presented itself - one I never could have planned for in advance,

And with it came an even higher salary, a much better cultural fit, and a lesson I hadn’t fully grasped before:

It wasn’t God who needed to prove His faithfulness,

It was me who needed to trust it by taking the first step.

But the lesson didn’t stop there.

Over the years, we’ve moved multiple times, and each time my husband had to rebuild his client base from scratch.

He works in high-end residential remodeling - an industry known for its ups and downs.

And yet, with every single move the work came to him - in the form of high-end clients, with projects that required his level of expertise, in markets that could sustain his bill-rate.

God delivered this so consistently that I could even analyze it as data and come to predict it - which is greater security than any boss or company can ever offer.

And then came the bigger test…

When I left corporate for good.

For the first time we were fully relying on his income alone while I built my business.

And that process wasn’t quick. It’s taken years to develop.

Years of building new skillsets, refining my offers, repositioning in the market,

And ultimately becoming who I am now.

And during that time, something deeper surfaced.

I realized I had placed more security in my paycheck than I wanted to admit.

Because when that income was gone I was faced with different kinds of questions:

Who am I without a title?

What is my value without an income?

And what does it actually mean to trust God when the outcome isn’t clear?

THIS is when the real work began.

I was no longer just building a business, I was recalibrating my perception around my worth and what I can control.

I was evolving from feeling the need to control the outcome, to

Learning how to be faithful in my actions and letting go of the delusion that I have control over outcomes.

Because the truth is none of us can control the outcome…

Only God does.

Which means the pressure we feel to “get it right” was never ours to carry in the first place.

You can control your actions, decisions and effort,

But the results are not yours to determine.

And when you start to understand that, something shifts.

‘Risks’ start to look different.

They’re no longer something to avoid, but rather something to engage with.

Because what once felt like potential loss, now becomes an opportunity to grow.

In skills, experience, and faith.

This is the difference between scarcity and trust.

Scarcity says:

“If I make the wrong move, I lose.”

Trust says:

“Even if this doesn’t go how I expect, I’ll be provided for.”

Scarcity leads to hesitation.

Trust leads to movement.

And this is why fear of loss is so deceptive.

Because it feels like protection, but it often leads to paralysis.

And paralysis limits growth.

The irony is hard to miss once you see it.

The thing we’re trying to avoid is often the thing our current behavior is creating.

Not because we’re incapable, but because our perception is keeping us from acting.

But when the shift happens…

You stop trying to control the outcome and start focusing on the next aligned decision.

You release the pressure of the unknown, and take responsibility for your actions instead.

You trust that God’s provision isn’t something you have to force, but something you can rely on.

I can see that clearly now.

Looking back, there’s actual data.

Proof that God has provided every step of the way,

Even when my faith was still growing and I was still holding onto false securities.

THIS is the kind of realization that changes how you move forward

Because you begin to understand that you don’t actually have anything to lose…

Except the version of yourself that was trying to control everything.

And that’s what sets you free!

Free to take action and grow without carrying pressures that were never yours to begin with.

The fear of loss doesn’t protect your growth, it’s preventing it.

But when you recalibrate your perception and begin to operate from trust instead of fear…

Everything starts to feel lighter.

Not because the stakes disappeared, but because your relationship to them has changed.

And this is the real shift that elevates your leadership capacity to reach its full potential, so you can…

Live your life on purpose!

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